Sitting Knitting Waiting Wishing

As it stands currently, I am a mediocre knitter. I have tried, I have read cleverly titled books, i have fussed and fiddle but I don't appear to be improving. And yet I power through. For whatever reason, and God only knows, I love to knit.

This Christmas was a good one. Five days straight of busy family time seeing my sisters and brother, hanging out with my mom and dad faded into endless hours loafing about the house in my new robes and slippers. My house is filled with chocolate and various food products. There is a mountain of gift baskets and books and books strewn about my living room. I got all the presents I could have ever asked for including a very comfy new chair, amazing BOSE headphones, books upon books (and books about books!) as well as about a million other things.

I am using my time to rest to its fullest advantage, though this has proven to be a bit of a double edged sword. These days I go to bed early (by my watch, about 1 am mostly) and get up at noon. Typically I sleep about 5-6 hours a night, so you can see how this is a big improvement for me. That being said it eats up alot of the daylight hours which is prime knitting time.

Aside that particular hobby I have continued work on my pseudo-quilt thing that I had intended to complete for my 18th birthday this August. Needless to say the project was barely touched in the summer. It is basically a collection of old T-shirts, fabrics, etc. that I have collected throughout my life. There are girl guide badges, soccer numbers, logos and random bits and pieces from things that only ever mattered to me.


I hope to finish this early in the new year, or at least before 2008. As 2007 draws to a close I am beginning to feel alot of things slipping away. Alot of harboured grudges, regrets and guilty bits of my conscious and starting to become acceptance and forgiveness. I feel lighter and healthier but it is still a time that promotes nostalgia and I am as nostaligic as they get.

And through all my random thoughts I keep knitting stuff.

Not sure whether or not that is some universal metaphor for something.

sam

My Christmas Message (with internal soundtrack)

It's been a long December and there is reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

Exams are over. I vacuumed my rez room and packed up my things before heading home for the holidays. I left the private multipurpose room I have gotten so used to and went back to the Burrow (consult Harry Potter).

They said there would be snow at Christmas, they said there would be peace on earth. But instead it just kept on raining a veil of tears for the virgin birth.

I guess being on campus I hadn't realized that it was Christmas time again. Rain and mud and stress and numerous post-exam drunk people hardly characterize a conventional advent season for me.

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little lower makes you talk a littler slower about the things you could not show her.

Looking back on the year behind me I wonder about some of the choices I have made. I wonder about how I have acted throughout the course of so many changes in my relationships, my place in life, my environment. I have to admit that I am proud to have gotten through all this with the strength and conviction that I have, I only wonder if in the process of surviving I overlooked some values I would have otherwise upheld.

Animals come and animals go but love is just a laundry line you hang on until you are dried out by the sun and when you think your turn is done you end up getting dirty and its all again begun.

The first semester of my university career was, I assume, very similar to everyone elses. You meet new people, some become friends and others mere acquaintances. You look to old friendships and reevaluate their intimacy; some are bound to fade away even while others progress stronger and healthier than ever. You define the limits (often by pushing them) of what you stand for. You take new approaches to romance (this being the best time to take the big risks and step outside of your comfort zone).

I am so hard to handle. I am selfish and I'm sad. Now I have gone and lost the best baby I ever had. I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

This is a time where it is all too easy to be selfish. It has been easy to say; I am sick, tired and overworked, heart broken, sad and lonely. When there are so many bright people around you it is tempting to be egotistical, competitive and pretentious.


I remember one Christmas morning the winter's light and a distant choir, the peel of a bell and that Christmas tree smell, your eyes full of tinsel and fire.

Now I remember (amidst the statues and ornaments of my home) the story of a poor couple who sought a place to stay. Have we decided, in this time of focusing on our own futures, that there is no room for anyone else to stay? As more and more people shy away from telling the Christmas story at all, have those of us who do just memorized the words?

The smell of hospitals in winter And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls. All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.

Looking back to September it strikes me that I may not have been entirely christian (as mentioned in some previous post) but more so that the world around me is filled with a hopeless right now greater than I have ever experienced.

I shouldn't expect to live and I shouldn't expect to die but I wouldn't mind being beside you, dear on that laundry line to dry. For my grandma and brother, my father and my mother, and you my sweetest lover to you all i will say merry Christmas i love you and god is above you

This is a time for candles. I imagine lighting a candle for every small joy in my life. For the laughter of a family, the commitment of friends, the desire for healing and self-improvement. I light candles for each person who has smiled at me, kissed me or held my hand. I wish you candles to keep you warm and to help you see.

.

All The Things I Love/Hate About Being At Home

*Christmas Cds.
*Being surrounded by books.
*My family.
*Toilette paper that isn't 1 ply.
*The lack of ceiling fans.
*My quilt.
*TV.
*Incredible food, a stocked fridge and holiday cookies.
*Painting.
*My room.
*A private bathroom.
*Having katy to dye my hair.

-The cold.
-My family.
-Not having DC++ and all my downloaded movies.
-The constant desire to sleep.
-Not being able to focus.
-Suburbia.
-Not having all my clothes.
-Not having my own computer.

In the end it comes out more positive than negative but I know I will miss residence while I am back at home for the holidays. In anycase the weeks ahead are looking really busy and crammed full of family etc.

Sam

The Biggest Mistakes You Will Ever Make

I am facing, this grey December morning, that fallibility inherent in every human being. I am facing regret, longing, sadness and self loathing.

University is a new time. It is hard and stressful as well as liberating and exciting. You get to be out on your own to face the world around you head on. At the end of the day you get to face yourself around every corner. In classes and homework you challenge yourself to understand and succeed with good marks. Outside the buildings you challenge yourself to make new friendships that are healthier and stronger than old ones. You look to be a better person. But in the end, most of us have just are only wrapped up in ourselves. Most of us will say that we have enough stress, enough work, enough emotion, enough illness already. We close the door to the world and live inside. We have forgot the earth and all that she teaches us. This is our greatest mistake.

The earth teaches love. We know how to love each other by studying the relationships of animals. They are pure and concrete. They are examples with few exceptions. They love without question. They are faithful to their nature. They are faithful, loyal and healthy. All roles are filled equally.

An animal with a broken leg is the first to be eaten. So as human beings should we learn to heal our wounds quickly. We cannot cling to what makes us weak. We cannot play the victim and expect to ride the coattails of the pack.

I say this now in my grey December knowing that words hold little bearing. The potency of them comes only from our capacity to imagine the scenes that they depict. I am struggling. But I know that I am not alone in this. We are all struggling and so few of us are willing to rise up against it.

It is the advent season and hope is on its way. Christ is coming, but we know the teachings already. We are playing to well the part of the depicted prechristian people; living without guidance or moral coding. We know how the story ends but we have forgotten. How many of us live lives of compassion, grace, kindness, love and forgiveness? How many of us are bitter, cold and mistrusting? What is the extent of our infidelities to ourselves? How do we profess to live in a world that God created and still contribute to the unbalancing of the universe?


And above all else I ask myself what I think crosses the mind of all people at one time or another...

are all of these things that I hate in the world only the things that I hate in myself? Am I alone at fault for the hurt in my world?

Sam

Take up your cross. For those who want to save their lives will lose it and those who would lose their life for my sake and the sake of the gospel will save it.

It Is The First Snow Of The Year: I Guess It Happens Once A Year

Today while leaving my residence building it struck me that there was snow on the ground. I let out a breath it felt as if I had been holding for months. Even if I now look outside my window to see large patches of green only a little lined with white, snow has fallen and it reminded me that it is December at last.

We have entered the advent season. To be honest, I don't feel up for it. Generally the cycle of my attitudes on life dictates that I will soon find some true reason for hope and joy and therefore let go of the sadness and anxieties of the fall. But cold weather also means colds, exams and an itchy dryness in the air. I am tired. I see this same sentiment on the faces of people around me. Lately 'how are you' receives a much hollower answer than 'not too bad'.

So I drink Tazo tea and soothe my aching back with a heating bag. I work, tired and bored, on meaningless homework assignments and push away worries about tests and projects. I miss home. I miss the freezing winters in the school yard where we would all go out in esikmo levels of warm clothing to build anything and everything we could think of out of snow. I keep zoning out to think of skating on long canals in February, and of happier thoughts of my family around the (hopefully not artificial) Christmas tree.

How long a year it has been already. The end of high school, the beginning of something else entirely. And as my mommy said today "the end is in sight".

I suppose that is reason enough to hope,

Sam

Starved For Creative Content? Join The Club

Alright so it is official:

I did not succeed in completing NANOWRIMO.

In all fairness the last month has hardly been what one might call distraction-free.

Don't worry though I did get a concept for a story going and this is not the last that you will hear about it.


Sam

My Torrent Love Affair With Murphy And His Law Continues

Bernini essay due tomorrow at 2 pm 2.7/4 pages
Home assigment due tomorrow at 11 am 0/4 questions
Physics Essay due Tuesday 10 am 0/11 pages
Dali Essay due Wednesday 4 pm 0/10 pages
French grammar test Wednesday 6 pm 0 hours studying
Religions test on Islam Wednesday 10 am notes for 3/5 classes completed
Number of days I can last before
laundry 4
dishes 1
cleaning 6
sleep undetermined


Remembering that there are exactly 17 hours of class left in the semester...


sam

A Woman Without A Man Is Like A Fish Without A Bicylce

And somehow we all love our bicycles.

A large part of changing venues , chapters or paths in your life is revising all of the relationships you have. If you ask me this is one of those irrational and totally useless human processes; as even the slightest shift in what you are doing with your life can send you into a spiral of introversion, anxiety and existential crisis. And of course by you I mean me.

I don't tend to think of the effect a major change will have on my life rationally, so when I set out to start University (around June) I didn't prepare myself for practical things like how will my boyfriend still fit into my life or how will the dynamics of my friendships change. Instead, I felt it somehow necessary to redefine myself from the beginning. Somewhere along that train of thought I was... derailed.

What brings this up is of course, the new light in which my relationship with a certain friend, Tal, has been transformed into what is officially being dubbed boyfriend. Oh dear god, you are thinking, she has done it again. I know this because it is what I am thinking too.

When I think about where I was shortly before I came to Toronto I can't help but wonder if I relate better to others, or if at that point I redefined myself a little too much. It is increasingly possible that any minor self-identity crisis is born from the need for my brain to acknowledge history and present circumstance without belittling one or the other. Add to that a sense of general anxiety and the belief that the worst is destined to happen and you come up with my current state of mind. After everything that has happened in the last 4 years, the last 18 years and certainly the last month, have I progressed at all?


I post this only because I am becoming increasingly aware that this same (or similar) thought is on the mind of more than a few people around me. I don't have an answer right now. I don't know that there is one, just a dim reflection of yourself in a mirror.

What I do have is my damned relentless faith. And, although it is a cheesy Starwars shout-out, a new hope.

Sam

Suggested listening: Love, Love, Love -The Mountain Goats
Suggested reading: First Corinthians 13

Why Shut Up and Be Grateful When You Can Blog?

My thought today is to post my 'Things (edited for inappropriate language) To Do' list. Generally I have at least one of these per day, if not several. I like lists because I am unfocused and disorganized. Also for that highly satisfying sound of a sharpie crossing something off.

• Complete religions essay for Wed. 22nd 5-6 pages, 8 sources
• Prepare Dali presentation for Wed. 22nd 10 minutes, must include images
  
• Clean rez room, company coming on Friday at the latest.
  
• Last load of laundry (put away previous loads)
• Religions Class 10 am.
  
• Breakfast with Megan (this occurs every Mon and Wed and soon Tuesdays and Thursdays)
• Charge phone, vacuum, set up kettle
  
• French Homework from last Wed. and for this Wed. Email Prof.
  
• Physics Reading for this week
• See Ariel, Bec, Fred briefly this afternoon
• Call Kati in Montreal

In a nutshell I wont leave my room for the next three days. Except to go to Robarts. Last night I dreamt that I had roasted Peacock for dinner.

Take that Freud.

Sam

Things to Love About the City Everyone Hates

It is eleven AM on a Saturday in the fall. The city is dampened by reawaken cold and fallen leaves. The noise doesn't travel; even the closest sounds are distant and slowed melodies. I think John Mayer describes this as the 'kind of morning that lasts all afternoon'.

Today I decided to see how many subway stops I could walk when I was feeling tired and anxious. I tend to measure Toronto this way... he lives 6 subway stops from her, I went 3 subway stops to school etc etc. It was a toss up, walk the 4-5 subway stops to the Eaton Centre from campus or pay a slightly unnecessary 2.75$ to sit in a potentially smelling or grungy train. So I threw on my Keds, my pashmina and my Sargent pepper jacket and took to the streets. I was immediately inspired by the diffuse mid day lighting. I felt like I was wrapped up in a blanket watching old black and white films.

My first encounter was with a man by the name of Reg Hart. He operates a creepy artsy movie theatre out of his living room and is known for being very very eccentric. I met him when I adventurously decided to see a Salvador Dali film fest he was putting on. He urged me to head across the street to LCBO asap as it would be closing in a few minutes. After that he spent longer introducing the films with anecdotes and legends than the movies. He is blunt and disturbing, generous, kind and strange. I love that Toronto has a cast of characters like this; well known people across the city who seem impossibly fictional. Like Jack Layton and Olivia Chow. (Honestly, those two are a sitcom waiting to happen). So this morning as I reach the corner of St. George and College I notice a man putting up posters for The Dark Side of Oz, Dali and various other things. I was expecting it to be one of the many u of t students that Reg Hart befriends, but as I walked past I noticed it was Reg himself. I debated stopping to ask for advice about my upcoming Dali presentation, but instead I smiled and said hello as if I was an old friend. And he said hello right back.

Figuring that the universe sought to reward me for my hard work cleaning yesterday, I treated myself to a Venti Gingerbread Latte. Another beautiful part of this city: there is always a Starbucks within walking distance. And, when a Starbucks employee sneezes and you say 'bless you' more often than not they smile deeply and reply 'thank you' in a way that you know they really mean it. In fact, in this city on this kind of day even the homeless people smile at you when you politely refuse to give them change. More than half of them say please and thank you, and a good number will wish you a pleasant day.

Toronto seems to me to be a living and breathing collective. It is somehow not made up of buildings and monuments, but of the people who pass them everyday. Sometimes- when tensions run high and irritability is rampant- this means that the city adopts an attitude, sticking its tongue out at you and throwing a hand in your face. Sometimes it shuns you. It gives you the cold shoulder and it can feel just like being on 'not-speaking' terms with your lover or your best friend. But sometimes, on a beautiful day, the city surprises you. All of its lines lead your eyes and your feet. If you take away the jadedness of it, Toronto is a place full of community, compassion and delight.

Before I sign off I would like to shout out to two people. For one yesterday was my friend Sopha's birthday. I hope she knows that she is at a point in her life full of potential. I have no doubt in my mind that she will be successful beyond measure, and lead a life full of small joys and great love.

For another I must plug Jim Bryson. I have been made fun of for this already, but I sent him an email just to thank him for the CD North Side Benches which is beautiful and he replied with thoughtful and kind words. Granted, he isn't super famous, and it is unlikely that he gets a lot of thank yous but he is a good musician with a good heart. So give him your money. Or just download it and send him telepathic good vibes.

Sam

I Bet You All Thought I Would Never Post Again

So i admit that I haven't been writing much lately, but it hasn't only been the blog that suffered. Homework, essays, poetry and NaNoWriMo are all trying to share the few raindrops in the midst of a drought. Actually, I was inspired to pick up the pen again by someone who has no idea that he did it. It is amazing how a notebook full of some terrible terrible writing amid a few gems could remind me that sometimes words are just words and that is okay too.

Lately there have been alot of creative things I desperately want to do but never seem to have the time or energy. I have a story to write! A thingy-ma-jig to knit! A drawing to finish! A roll of film to finish off! And yet I slept in until 1 and sit here now lazily reading facebook and talking to Tal on msn.

I am in a funk. Alright there, I owned up to it. Not everything is ok and I am not happy about all aspects of my life. It is a rut that has been covered over by random bits of such joy and happiness that I haven't really had reason to complain. It is like eating the worst meal you;ve ever had but along with the best wine in the whole world. Somehow the wine just makes it taste better.

I get the sense that now that I have put my feelings of stagnation in writing I will overcome them. It should get easier for me to be focused and motivated as i reorganize the less comfortable things in my life. I am starting with my rez room which is being cleaned until it is emmaculate.... as a metaphor for my lifting of the layer of dust you see.

Sam

La Politesse, la Poésie, les Politiques and French Language Love

Today- while, I am ashamed to admit, eating breakfast at McDonalds- I encountered possibly the nicest series of people ever. From the courteous and patient cashier (sam is a little slow in the mornings), to a TTC employee who was charming and funny to the shy woman who politely asked for the time. It is these kinds of people who give me hope for this city. When we don't speak eachother's language, but we still smile kindly, or when we paint the sidewalk to make a few bucks and share art with our neighbours we create a community. Yes we are all different, and refuse assimilation, but la politesse could really save us from divisiveness and lead us to true diversity.

For many years now I have been taking all the words that clog up my head and writing poems on scraps of paper. I have many notebooks, and alot of poems tend to get writen on assignments and that sort of thing. Lately I have been find my poetry pretty stale and redundant so in an effort to squeeze out the few remain drops of my creative process I have decided to partake in NANOWRIMO, or national novel writing month. Essentially over the course of november it is my goal to write 50 000 words. It is a big scarey tastes that haunts my dreams, but I think it will a good exercise for me. I will post my word count updates when I post blog entries, but it would be kind of you to check in and make sure I haven't forgotten to write every now and again.

It is a commonly held belief (that I agree with) that students and young people are not politically active enough. Today, I am not going to yell at all of you for not knowing who Clifford Siffton is. Instead, I want to give props for the young and politically involved. Some how it is always the youth who are willing to dress up and stand on a street corner making clever puns about Dalton Maguinties sexuality and his tuition policy. Also they give out candy.

Finally I have to distinct pleasure of writing a french paper in class today that I am not at all looking forward to. But the more I speak, read and listen to music in french the more I am transported by the language. There is something about in so inherent in me; it is comfortable and natural. But i will likely fail anyway.

Elephants, Eroticisms, Ego

For most anyone who knows me, even just a little, it is a basic truth that Sam Loves Salvador Dali. You enter my room at home to large poster of The metamorphosis of Narcissus and The Persistence of Memory. My room at U of T greets you with Elephants and a Dali calendar. I did my final project for French on Dali's life. I did a photography project on Philippe Halsman just because he took very famous photographs of Dali. You can easily say that I am obsessed.

So it isn't suprising that I have chosen to study Dali for my Shocking Artists, Shocking Art course. In my defense, this is not out of laziness. I plan to delve into this with much more enthusiasm than I would with any other artist. Today I spent nearly three hours researching various artists in an effort to branch out, but I find them unengaging. Every sketch of Dali's, every sculpture and painting can easily preoccupy me for an hour without me being aware that time is passing (disintegrating clocks indeed).

I have chosen to focus on Dali's eroticism, and potentially his blasphemy. I have not explored this particular aspect that closely, as of yet. Partially because Dali is so explicit, and as you all know, it can be difficult to approach such subject matter openly. I think that my classmates and the sheer structure of the project will create a forum in which it isn't awkward to say 'erection', 'masturbation', 'fantasy' etc etc. Also, I think it may be the only time I will discuss Freud without visibly twitching. A lot of Dali's erotic work is a take on Freudian concepts, even sometimes a shot at them.

To inspire all of you, and maybe to give you a clue about what the hell I am talking about I thought I provide a link to some of Dali's more shocking work. If you don't understand what is shocking or interesting about it, but you would like to, let me know. Nothing makes me happier than talking about my Salvador.


Freud’s Perverse Polymorph (Bulgarian Child Eating a Rat), 1939

Female Seated Nude, 1960

Explosion of Faith in a Cathedral, 1974

Face of War

Lugubrious Game, 1929

Young Virgin Auto-Sodomized by Her Own Chastity, 1954

On Your Mark, Get Set.... COMMENCE

Last night was my highschool commencement. I was fairly neutral about it going in; I knew it would be good to see people again but was too worn down after a week of being sick and stressed out to really care.

Upon arrival I was struck with the strangest feeling about what happens to people when they leave high school. Some of them, move on and genuinely change, but I was struck by how many will always be exactly what they are now. Maybe that is unfair to say, but I am not trying to be judgmental. You just sit back and listen to them have the exact same conversations you have heard them have every day for the past four years. If you are lucky the names they gossip about have at least changed thought is quite a sad one since it made me feel like there is a limit to the amount of people who will grow up from being teenangers.

There were some redeeming things in the evening, though. I laughed out loud to see my principal grinning like a madman, rocking back and forth on his heels like a four year old on his birthday. That man has put so much into Newtonbrook in four years- I think all of my efforts really fail in comparison. Other teachers gave me hope as well, there are some who are honestly invested in our success. It seems like that should be garaunteed, but it is a rare gift to have people dedicate themselves to the personal growth otheres. They chose this profession to facilitate youth and that is a noble and honourable goal.

Of all things I was most anticipating (and most happy with) the valedictorian speech by a dear friend of mine. Now it must be said that throughout his years at Newtonbrook I have seen him do some rather questionable things, and I have heard tell of many others... But he is the type of guy who is always there to put up a poster, or talk to a teacher or make you laugh on a bad day. He is the type of guy who knows the staff by their first names, even the janitors.

His speech began like all the others, with welcomes and thank yous. It was glaringly obvious to me that he was forced into the wording of this section, as he over-exaggerated to almost the point of sarcasm (which I loved, it - and the pausing to pose for photos- was the closest thing I got to him using the word 'deuchbag' or talking about peeing) But as he continued he did some things that I really admire. He had the guts to single out some amazing teachers, who do great thing but are rarely appreciated by the students. He made a point of talking about what clearly matters to him, which led to a Very y well said message on laughter, and not taking yourself so seriously.

From there he took the speech to a place I didn't expect him to go. He made very astute and intellectual comments about the world we live in, and even ventured so far as to offer some admirable solutions. To be honest, I think he lost a few people at this point, but knowing him (at least to some degree) I felt that I understood where he was coming from.

From the night as a whole, I don't take a complete sense of panic about the next generation. I look around to my group of friends, all of whom who have contributed so much of their time and energy, and to our deserving Valedictorian... I look at a teacher so dedicated to his students that he would show up after a week of not sleeping at all (And we all know that he will be even more dedicated to his new baby girl), at my principal who has become a dear friend and other teachers who have earned my respect... I look at the students in the crowd who are doing something, who have chosen a cause (or causes) and fight for them...

I see all of these people and I think about how much more I could be doing, I am inspired to moved beyond the contributions that I have already made and to give more. I hope that the other people who came last night were similarly inspired, because that would be a true cause for hope.

On a totally different note, I must thank Mom Dad (and Katy for the idea) for my shiny new ipod nano. It is one of the Project Red items that contributes money to AIDS research. I encourage you all to support such campaigns when you are buying things. Large corporations are taking notice of global issues, and if we as consumers demonstrate our approval, they will continue to do so.

Sam

Further Complications, Work, Murphy's Law and This Damn Cough

Recent events ...from the keyboard of the LAPPY!

In the end, my computer died. Hopefully it will be returned to me soon, as I already miss all of my music and favorite distractions. How can i go without Harvey Birdman? The Waifs? The Decemberists (newly added to my musical repetoire)? Messenger?

Also, I stopped wallowing in my own filth and cleaned my room. Now it demands to be said that I did this only because it served as a tool for procrastination from my very large scarey essay.

It seems I have lost my touch at blogging, everytime I think of a post I put it off until it isnt relevant anymore. This is just a crappy transition one to get me back in the swing of things.

Sam

Have you noticed that everything always happens at once? Talk about second law thermodynamics, the chaos will only grow.

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is an invitation to a table, in celebration of the year's harvest, in celebration of abundance and life that comes to an end in the winter months ahead.

We come to the table hungry, looking to be fed and water, looking to come away again satisfied.

We come to the table broken. Lost loves and shattered hearts follow us here like ghosts. Illness obstructs our view, and all too often kills our appetite.

We come to the table lonely. Some of us are far from our homes, some of us are without a clear vision of home. We search for friendship we have not yet found and for a family without struggle. We seek to lay down at the feet of a lover to drink joy from companionship.

We come to the table tired from the weight of our worries. Preoccupied by the world that seems to crumble around us, we bear burdens of fear and guilt, longing and concern. Our mistakes, and our misfortunes refuse to be forgotten.

We come to the table uncertain, confused by the choices we face. We are doubtful of our convictions, tested on our faith, judged by our peers.In the face of our own failures we have become self-conscious and defensive . We have forgotten how to forgive ourselves and eachother.

We come to the table searching. Driven by a search for answers, and for the right questions, a search for stability, clarity and righteousness. In hopes of receiving thanks, we seek gratitude. We have come to find the strength to be thankful.

Before us is laid the feast of harvest. Around us; a family come together in love. Beside us; our dearest friends, found along the way. Within us is a call to give thanks for sunshine and seed, friend and neighbour, lover and sibling, parent and child, air and lungs, water and bread.

May our thanks be to God, or to the Earth. May our thanks be to eachother, or to ourselves. May our thanks be heard and welcomed.

Dearests, although outros are unusual for me, the message of my gratitude is one I try to repeat as often as possible. I know that many of you, close friends, blood relatives, near strangers, new acquaintances, have heard this before but it is with humility and in ernest that I say thank you. So I make this offering to you; I invite you to my table. Whenever the feeling of incompleteness, loneliness, sadness or confusion hits you, I invite you to contact me. Call me when you need a friendly voice, come share a meal with me when you need a helping hand. Do not hesitate to let me show you my gratitude for having you in my life. I am here to listen to the words stuck in your throat, the thoughts in taking up room your head and anything else you may feel the need to say.

Samantha Lalonde
(find all my contact info on facebook, or send me an email at childofthestork@hotmail.com )

Ten Random and Stupid Things That I Love

In the span of twenty four hours I will come up with ten really great things.

1 New toothbrushes. Don't ask why I am brushing my teeth at two in the afternoon, but yesterday when I went grocery shopping I splurged on a fancy colgate 360. Having a new tooth brush is like getting a facial, you feel just much cleaner. The plaque fighting power is just that much greater.

2 Double Chocolate Muffins. My air, my heroin.

3 My inky purple pen that distracts me from all my lectures

4 "It is like the floral equivalent of S and M" Professor Legge talking about some photographs

5 Reznikoff's Employee Poker Night

6 My comfy comfy bed

7 Jaynestown (the firefly episode in which they discover a town dedicated to Adam Baldwin's character Jayne)

8 chamomile tea. Very strong, with honey

9 Being all tucked into a warm bed, in a cold room when you still have another hour and a half before you have to get up

10 Having to run to class because you stayed in that bed for an hour and forty five minutes before even entertaining the idea of moving

Newly Decided Distributions of My Time (yes I know I wont stick to it)

Daily

30 minutes of back exercises or other physical activity
30 minutes of French radio, music, film or reading
1 hour or more of reading (for class or not)
2 meals eaten without doing anything else at the time
4 hours or more dedicated to sleep
1 good thing just for me (tea, webcomic, TV show, extra long shower etc. )

Weekly

1 hour generally cleaning and all required laundry and dishes
1 hour artistic, creative activity
2 or more phone calls home
2 or more messages or calls to friends I haven't recently spoken to
4 consecutive hours of Sabbath (dedicated to personal and spiritual reflection, untouched by other work)

Monthly

1 house event at the very least (organizing)
1 letter to someone
2 house events at the very least (attending)
2 hours walking through campus

An Update in Brief Without Prior Reflection

Nuit Blanche

Oh POMO, where would the world be without it? Although I found nuit blanche to be rather artless for a contemporary art thing, I still found it in a way inspiring. I guess it is partly due to the wealth of ideas and creativity oozing from the event, and partly due to the fact that most of those ideas were crappy and I am pretty sure that C.R.A.Y.O.N. would have done a better organizational job. There is also just the idea of staying up all night that appealed to me about this event. Most of you well know that it is a struggle for me to fall asleep most days, and it was nice to feel like staying up all night was a totally healthy and productive thing. But all in all it was sort of lack lustre, nuit beige if you will.

Weather

Today is a beautiful day. It is one of those sunny, but still not hot days that actually makes me enjoy the fall for just a split second. And yet, today's the day they decide to turn the radiators on. I am litterally here in a tank top, window fully open trying to cool off. All week they have been yelling at me with their signs and posters about "Minimizing our evironmental footprint" and my soup is colder than the ambient air tempature in my room.

Autumn

I think the fall sucks. I have always felt this. Metaphorically speaking (or litteraly in my life) the fall is the time for things to die, to be lost. But there are just a few things that salvage the time of year:

-vegetables. Pumpkin Spice Lattes, butternut squash soup.
-textiles. Leather jacket, corduroy pants, amazing fuzzy sweater, argile.

The Waifs

The waifs are an austrailian folk group. Their CD Up all Night is so good that I am too distracted to carry on posting.

Sam

Two Thirds Found or Replaced et La Vie Continue Sans Hesitation

As it is now approaching the season of thanksgiving- and seeing that it may take a little effort for me to get into the spirit- I am going to give you a list of ... let's say... 5, things that are worth your praise or gratitude.

1. The Cobblestone guys. Now, to begin with I was pretty frustrated with all the random sidewalk maintenance and reconstruction going on around my residence and extending out onto St George street, but the other day I was completely won over by the men who do all the concrete and cobblestone work. It had rained the night before and a puddle collected over a three foot stretch of the path so that students were forced to walked around on the grass on their way to Fung! (my caf) not that anyone of them really notice the difference between trampling the grass and using the sidewalk anyway. Amazingly by 3 or 4 that afternoon the guys who were working in the surrounding area drained the water, leveled the ground under the path and replaced all the stones. They did such a fantastic job that it makes the next stretch of path (which is wobbly and poorly done) look even worse than it did. They were attentive, fast and incredibly efficient. They smile in a polite-non-creepy-construction worker type way when you walk by. The following day when I was leaving my building, I got out the door only to find that my step had been completely removed. One lonely worker was pouring concrete and advised me to go to another door so I didn't accidentally trip or something. When I came back from class no more than two hours later I had a beautiful new step completely finished. Honestly, I think these guys might be here all year constantly trying to improve what they already have done so well, but I don't mind. They rock.

2. Reznikoff's employees. Polite, often flirty, kind and humourous.

3. Dryers. Dryers makes your clothes dry and warm and deliciously clean. After you have put them through for that third time, you open the dryer and get a wave of joy that everything somehow actually managed to dry.

4. Folk Music. Folk music is that kind of sound that is perfect for the mood you are in no matter what mood you are in. It can be depressing (Jim Bryson), uplifting (the Waifs), empowering (Bob Dylan), nostalgic (Cash) or prett much anything else. If only I were into drugs and not showering I could join some folk tour and live the hippy lifestyle, instead of just listening to the soundtrack.

5. My fish ring. Just when I was thinking about how I could possible be anything without my fish ring, it found its way back to me and said 'I am not anything without you either'. The best relationships are with inanimate afterall.

The Art of Losing Absolutely Everything I Touch

The list for today is:
-My new boyfriend. note: I am not looking to make a big deal of this, it wasn't a big dramatic scene or anything, just a decision that had to be made. So, yes it is sad for me but I am doing okay and not really looking to talk about it.

-My T card. Twelve dollars later I have a new one and my picture doesnt make me look like satan so I think it is a fair trade.

-My wooden fish ring. This was really really difficult and I am very upset about it. But c'est la vie.


I thought that maybe condensing my life into one room would make it easier for me to keep track of the things around me but alas, no dice. It seems the more I try to stay clean and organized the more things I lose or forget about. This is the real reason why university students live like pigs. If everything gets thrown into one pile there is only one place it could possibly be.

Also, I have run out of those little things that make you feel better on bad days (not to mention my creative ability, worst post ever), so let me know if you have any tricks.

Thoughts From a Tired and Hungry Mind

There is something about the lack-of-structure university class schedual that makes you eat weird things at unatural times of day. It goes beyond the constant caffein consumption (and believe me when I tell you that my caffeteria offers no less than twelve different energy drinks on a daily basis), and the don't-ask-dont-tell rez food attitude (how about meatless meatballs?).

The biggest change for me is the hours. Breakfast stays at its usual whenever I get up time slot and generally consists of a double chocolate muffin and a juice. Don't yell at me for this; it has a hell of a lot more nutrishional value than you would expect in the breakfast of a 95 pound female. I have difficultly with lunch since I am so used to eating it every day at exactly the same time. I like to refer to that part of highschool life as letting the herd out to graze. Generally I try to aim for a noon lunchtime but it never seems to work like that. Instead I just end up eating a salad, sandwhich or soup on the way to something else. Sometimes this ends in diasterous food spilling and embarassing stains. But no matter what I end up drinking Arizona Pommegrante Ice Green Tea. Dinner is dinner and I eat it whenever I can in a given day. Portions are as generous as one would expect from a north american institution and I always have my dinner with chocolate milk.

You would think that my feeding rituals would end there for the day, but if i dont eat anything after that I wake up hungry. Waking hungry is a terrible and sick feeling that ruins the rest of my day, so I find myself getting up in the middle of the night for granola bars, Mr. Noodles or rice. I am not sure how healthy this is for my digestive system, and I generally feel better waking up if I stay up later and have a second dinner at around 1 am. But that cuts down on my sleeping time which is no good.

Besides all of that I continue to develop my sweet tooth. Recently I rediscovered reeses pieces (thank you Aidan). I keep some in a drawer so I don't accidentally kill Ariel.

Sam

Eater of all things free

I wrote a post complaining about U of T newspapers that I may get around to finishing one day. I gave up on it because I got busy going home for the weekend and because somewhere in the last three days I found something more important to say. It is about people.

In the last days of highschool I felt so much like I was moving. A feeling sort of like the one I get from driving in Mustangs; no matter where I am going, it is somewhere that really matters. I guess I kind of figured that this was the natural time for us all to become adults, suddenly we would all just know how to live.

Then the summer happened with all of its melodrama and heartbreak and I lost that feeling. I replaced with a sense of hopelessness, a sensation of stumbling in the dark and when I got tired of that, I think I just stopped moving altogether.

One way or another (I am not sure how) I managed to make it out of that summer and into University. I survived the first week and than the second and somewhere in the last couple of days I came to realize that the people around me were all in the same boat.

I watched as friends of mine moved away from home to cities they had never been to, as they struggled with illness and boredom and fear, I heard them yell and scream about so many things, friends lost hope and doubted faith, I watched as a friend feared for the lives of the people he loves and I watched his mother cry.

In all of this, somehow I don't feel lost. I don't feel like we are all fucking up, or that somehow the world is less than what it should be. In all of this I have a suprising faith that never ever left me.

To try to explain where this comes from would be impossible and a waste of perfectly good words. So I will just say a little bit about the autumn, which most of you already know is a fundamental metaphor in my life. Generally nostalgia and sadness rule the fall. Death and bad things always seem to happen when the leaves change colour. Just listen to Hawksley Workman sing Autumn's Here and you will understand.

But for some people this weekend is the new year. It feels that way to me. It feels like if I make a resolution right this minute, I may have a chance of keeping it up for the next 356 days.

A dear friend of mine turned 18 today. For her the last year has been hard. For all of us, but I know just how many fences she has had to climb, mostly on her own. In the next twenty minutes she will be 18 and one day and it will start to seem like a new year never began, but it deserves to be said that she is a better person, in my view a stronger and healthier person, than she was this time last fall and I know that she, just like all of us, will be even further along when the calendars fall on this day again.

We are doing badly. We have crappy relationships and bad marks, we don't understand everything and sometimes we lie, we make mistakes unknowingly and knowingly but as I have always said hope is just a light to show you the way, but faith is what keeps you wandering around, even in the dark.

And more important than that, in this new year (even if it isn't a new year for me), every single one of us can look around and know that we are not alone.


Sam

A small note about fall fashions and one of the many reason why everyone does indeed love an asian boy

I love the fall fashion season. Particularily when it comes to men.

Originally I assumed that living on campus would mean living in a sea of sweatpants, and other such unpleasing articles of clothing but today I discovered the perfect mens outfit for fall at university.

Now I will try to break it down for you as a general example from which you can design your own perfect ensemble but I would like to first give a shout out to my muse; the random asian boy crossing the street to Trinity college (WHORE-sorry frosh habit) from back campus. Now in and of himself he was not strikingly attractive. He was so rediculously well dressed, however, that I nearly asked him if I could take a picture of him with my cell phone. He pulled off the look of all fall looks with an understated flare.

So for those of you itching to know how to look sharp at school or your place of business here it goes. Begin with your favorite non-ripped, darker wash jeans. Next throw on your favorite band t-shirt .

Now put down the Metalica, Rolling Stones, Jimmy Hendrix or Che Guevera shirt. Che was not a musician. Che hates you for owning a shirt with his face on it.

Instead think a little more independantly. Wear one of those great band shirts that doesn't look like a band shirt. Here are a few suggestions:
http://www.maplemusic.com/product.asp?dept%5Fid=43&pf%5Fid=40%2D46&lang=EN

http://www.backstreet-merch.com/bands/artb/product.asp?item=artb05

Then put on a good clean pair of non-flashy sneakers.

Now the piece de resistance, finish with an old school brown blazer-cut leather jacket.

Delicious.

Sam

ps. Women, I tried to find an equivalently fantastic female fall fashion but alas, why are you all out there in sweat suits, croped sweaters and leggings?

The stupidity of boys carries on long after they can be called dumb highschool guys

To begin with some epiphanies from the streets of toronto, the shelves of Robarts, the tables of fung and floor of my enormous closet.

-> Be careful about living next to a library shaped like a giant peacock. You will have dreams about it coming to life and shooting flaming (over priced) textbooks at you.

-> Fair trade coffee with clever names is not as delicious as it should be. It is clearly over compensating for it's mediocre taste by being morally superior.

->Don't buy coffee from Reznikoff's when you are already late for class across Queen's Park. Yes, you will need the energy boost to jay-walk effectively, but the thousands of tiny burns on your hand and the bizare array of stains on everything you are wearing will only cause others to look at you with pity and shame in their eyes.

-> Spend equal amounts of money on organization supplies as you spend on decorational supplies. This way your room will be just as clean as it is pretty. Or at least it will have the potential to be.

->Every student should be allowed to spend the same amount of money on new shoes as they did on their text books. This way I could purchase these:
http://www.shoes.com/product.asp?p=5029256%7EWomens&sc=WOMENS&variant_id=EC1016264

http://www.shoes.com/product.asp?p=5029783%7EWomens&sc=WOMENS&variant_id=EC1017601

simply for having bought physics concepts and connections.

->Beware the moderately naked guy from frosh week. His bizare exhibtionism may be a deceptive cover for a fantastically strange and wonderful person.

->When a bewildered old lady comes to your first year seminar, usher her to the nearest exist as quickly as possible. This way your actual professor wont get all confused and yell at you because they thought someone stole their class. Also, crazy old women are generally not to be trusted.

-> Attend poster sales, but keep in mind the thematic message you want your walls to give off. The ché style print of einstein saying "VIVA LA RELATIVITY" may be clever, but you may not want to see it above your bed each and every day.

->Be kind to your caf food. It tries so hard to make you feel at home. Although it may often be overcooked, overpriced and underheated, it is made with love and care. Also, don't spend your entire meal plan on jolt soda and rockstars. Being that caffeinated only makes you hungrier and further serves to depleat your resources.

->Go to China town for all your shopping needs but bring a friend. Ducking through crowded sideways, evading the live crabs and interpreting the mutterings of off the wall homeless people is best done in pairs.

-> Select your courses based on how close the bookstore you have to buy your textbook at is to your residence. If you can, pick only courses that are taught by crazy environmentalists who give you only online readings. Also, find a cheap massage place so your back doesn't start a rebellion uprising agaisnt you.

-> Lastly, study the inner workings of ceiling fans prior to moving in. You will save yourself time, energy and prevent looking very very stupid in front of all your guests.

Sam.
Studier of Religions, Fine Art History, Magical Physics, Shocking Art and French.

ps. try to enrol in a french course taught by your highschool teacher's favorite daughter. Possibly.