My Christmas Message (with internal soundtrack)

It's been a long December and there is reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

Exams are over. I vacuumed my rez room and packed up my things before heading home for the holidays. I left the private multipurpose room I have gotten so used to and went back to the Burrow (consult Harry Potter).

They said there would be snow at Christmas, they said there would be peace on earth. But instead it just kept on raining a veil of tears for the virgin birth.

I guess being on campus I hadn't realized that it was Christmas time again. Rain and mud and stress and numerous post-exam drunk people hardly characterize a conventional advent season for me.

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little lower makes you talk a littler slower about the things you could not show her.

Looking back on the year behind me I wonder about some of the choices I have made. I wonder about how I have acted throughout the course of so many changes in my relationships, my place in life, my environment. I have to admit that I am proud to have gotten through all this with the strength and conviction that I have, I only wonder if in the process of surviving I overlooked some values I would have otherwise upheld.

Animals come and animals go but love is just a laundry line you hang on until you are dried out by the sun and when you think your turn is done you end up getting dirty and its all again begun.

The first semester of my university career was, I assume, very similar to everyone elses. You meet new people, some become friends and others mere acquaintances. You look to old friendships and reevaluate their intimacy; some are bound to fade away even while others progress stronger and healthier than ever. You define the limits (often by pushing them) of what you stand for. You take new approaches to romance (this being the best time to take the big risks and step outside of your comfort zone).

I am so hard to handle. I am selfish and I'm sad. Now I have gone and lost the best baby I ever had. I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

This is a time where it is all too easy to be selfish. It has been easy to say; I am sick, tired and overworked, heart broken, sad and lonely. When there are so many bright people around you it is tempting to be egotistical, competitive and pretentious.


I remember one Christmas morning the winter's light and a distant choir, the peel of a bell and that Christmas tree smell, your eyes full of tinsel and fire.

Now I remember (amidst the statues and ornaments of my home) the story of a poor couple who sought a place to stay. Have we decided, in this time of focusing on our own futures, that there is no room for anyone else to stay? As more and more people shy away from telling the Christmas story at all, have those of us who do just memorized the words?

The smell of hospitals in winter And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls. All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.

Looking back to September it strikes me that I may not have been entirely christian (as mentioned in some previous post) but more so that the world around me is filled with a hopeless right now greater than I have ever experienced.

I shouldn't expect to live and I shouldn't expect to die but I wouldn't mind being beside you, dear on that laundry line to dry. For my grandma and brother, my father and my mother, and you my sweetest lover to you all i will say merry Christmas i love you and god is above you

This is a time for candles. I imagine lighting a candle for every small joy in my life. For the laughter of a family, the commitment of friends, the desire for healing and self-improvement. I light candles for each person who has smiled at me, kissed me or held my hand. I wish you candles to keep you warm and to help you see.

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