Sitting Knitting Waiting Wishing

As it stands currently, I am a mediocre knitter. I have tried, I have read cleverly titled books, i have fussed and fiddle but I don't appear to be improving. And yet I power through. For whatever reason, and God only knows, I love to knit.

This Christmas was a good one. Five days straight of busy family time seeing my sisters and brother, hanging out with my mom and dad faded into endless hours loafing about the house in my new robes and slippers. My house is filled with chocolate and various food products. There is a mountain of gift baskets and books and books strewn about my living room. I got all the presents I could have ever asked for including a very comfy new chair, amazing BOSE headphones, books upon books (and books about books!) as well as about a million other things.

I am using my time to rest to its fullest advantage, though this has proven to be a bit of a double edged sword. These days I go to bed early (by my watch, about 1 am mostly) and get up at noon. Typically I sleep about 5-6 hours a night, so you can see how this is a big improvement for me. That being said it eats up alot of the daylight hours which is prime knitting time.

Aside that particular hobby I have continued work on my pseudo-quilt thing that I had intended to complete for my 18th birthday this August. Needless to say the project was barely touched in the summer. It is basically a collection of old T-shirts, fabrics, etc. that I have collected throughout my life. There are girl guide badges, soccer numbers, logos and random bits and pieces from things that only ever mattered to me.


I hope to finish this early in the new year, or at least before 2008. As 2007 draws to a close I am beginning to feel alot of things slipping away. Alot of harboured grudges, regrets and guilty bits of my conscious and starting to become acceptance and forgiveness. I feel lighter and healthier but it is still a time that promotes nostalgia and I am as nostaligic as they get.

And through all my random thoughts I keep knitting stuff.

Not sure whether or not that is some universal metaphor for something.

sam

My Christmas Message (with internal soundtrack)

It's been a long December and there is reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

Exams are over. I vacuumed my rez room and packed up my things before heading home for the holidays. I left the private multipurpose room I have gotten so used to and went back to the Burrow (consult Harry Potter).

They said there would be snow at Christmas, they said there would be peace on earth. But instead it just kept on raining a veil of tears for the virgin birth.

I guess being on campus I hadn't realized that it was Christmas time again. Rain and mud and stress and numerous post-exam drunk people hardly characterize a conventional advent season for me.

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little lower makes you talk a littler slower about the things you could not show her.

Looking back on the year behind me I wonder about some of the choices I have made. I wonder about how I have acted throughout the course of so many changes in my relationships, my place in life, my environment. I have to admit that I am proud to have gotten through all this with the strength and conviction that I have, I only wonder if in the process of surviving I overlooked some values I would have otherwise upheld.

Animals come and animals go but love is just a laundry line you hang on until you are dried out by the sun and when you think your turn is done you end up getting dirty and its all again begun.

The first semester of my university career was, I assume, very similar to everyone elses. You meet new people, some become friends and others mere acquaintances. You look to old friendships and reevaluate their intimacy; some are bound to fade away even while others progress stronger and healthier than ever. You define the limits (often by pushing them) of what you stand for. You take new approaches to romance (this being the best time to take the big risks and step outside of your comfort zone).

I am so hard to handle. I am selfish and I'm sad. Now I have gone and lost the best baby I ever had. I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

This is a time where it is all too easy to be selfish. It has been easy to say; I am sick, tired and overworked, heart broken, sad and lonely. When there are so many bright people around you it is tempting to be egotistical, competitive and pretentious.


I remember one Christmas morning the winter's light and a distant choir, the peel of a bell and that Christmas tree smell, your eyes full of tinsel and fire.

Now I remember (amidst the statues and ornaments of my home) the story of a poor couple who sought a place to stay. Have we decided, in this time of focusing on our own futures, that there is no room for anyone else to stay? As more and more people shy away from telling the Christmas story at all, have those of us who do just memorized the words?

The smell of hospitals in winter And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls. All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.

Looking back to September it strikes me that I may not have been entirely christian (as mentioned in some previous post) but more so that the world around me is filled with a hopeless right now greater than I have ever experienced.

I shouldn't expect to live and I shouldn't expect to die but I wouldn't mind being beside you, dear on that laundry line to dry. For my grandma and brother, my father and my mother, and you my sweetest lover to you all i will say merry Christmas i love you and god is above you

This is a time for candles. I imagine lighting a candle for every small joy in my life. For the laughter of a family, the commitment of friends, the desire for healing and self-improvement. I light candles for each person who has smiled at me, kissed me or held my hand. I wish you candles to keep you warm and to help you see.

.

All The Things I Love/Hate About Being At Home

*Christmas Cds.
*Being surrounded by books.
*My family.
*Toilette paper that isn't 1 ply.
*The lack of ceiling fans.
*My quilt.
*TV.
*Incredible food, a stocked fridge and holiday cookies.
*Painting.
*My room.
*A private bathroom.
*Having katy to dye my hair.

-The cold.
-My family.
-Not having DC++ and all my downloaded movies.
-The constant desire to sleep.
-Not being able to focus.
-Suburbia.
-Not having all my clothes.
-Not having my own computer.

In the end it comes out more positive than negative but I know I will miss residence while I am back at home for the holidays. In anycase the weeks ahead are looking really busy and crammed full of family etc.

Sam

The Biggest Mistakes You Will Ever Make

I am facing, this grey December morning, that fallibility inherent in every human being. I am facing regret, longing, sadness and self loathing.

University is a new time. It is hard and stressful as well as liberating and exciting. You get to be out on your own to face the world around you head on. At the end of the day you get to face yourself around every corner. In classes and homework you challenge yourself to understand and succeed with good marks. Outside the buildings you challenge yourself to make new friendships that are healthier and stronger than old ones. You look to be a better person. But in the end, most of us have just are only wrapped up in ourselves. Most of us will say that we have enough stress, enough work, enough emotion, enough illness already. We close the door to the world and live inside. We have forgot the earth and all that she teaches us. This is our greatest mistake.

The earth teaches love. We know how to love each other by studying the relationships of animals. They are pure and concrete. They are examples with few exceptions. They love without question. They are faithful to their nature. They are faithful, loyal and healthy. All roles are filled equally.

An animal with a broken leg is the first to be eaten. So as human beings should we learn to heal our wounds quickly. We cannot cling to what makes us weak. We cannot play the victim and expect to ride the coattails of the pack.

I say this now in my grey December knowing that words hold little bearing. The potency of them comes only from our capacity to imagine the scenes that they depict. I am struggling. But I know that I am not alone in this. We are all struggling and so few of us are willing to rise up against it.

It is the advent season and hope is on its way. Christ is coming, but we know the teachings already. We are playing to well the part of the depicted prechristian people; living without guidance or moral coding. We know how the story ends but we have forgotten. How many of us live lives of compassion, grace, kindness, love and forgiveness? How many of us are bitter, cold and mistrusting? What is the extent of our infidelities to ourselves? How do we profess to live in a world that God created and still contribute to the unbalancing of the universe?


And above all else I ask myself what I think crosses the mind of all people at one time or another...

are all of these things that I hate in the world only the things that I hate in myself? Am I alone at fault for the hurt in my world?

Sam

Take up your cross. For those who want to save their lives will lose it and those who would lose their life for my sake and the sake of the gospel will save it.

It Is The First Snow Of The Year: I Guess It Happens Once A Year

Today while leaving my residence building it struck me that there was snow on the ground. I let out a breath it felt as if I had been holding for months. Even if I now look outside my window to see large patches of green only a little lined with white, snow has fallen and it reminded me that it is December at last.

We have entered the advent season. To be honest, I don't feel up for it. Generally the cycle of my attitudes on life dictates that I will soon find some true reason for hope and joy and therefore let go of the sadness and anxieties of the fall. But cold weather also means colds, exams and an itchy dryness in the air. I am tired. I see this same sentiment on the faces of people around me. Lately 'how are you' receives a much hollower answer than 'not too bad'.

So I drink Tazo tea and soothe my aching back with a heating bag. I work, tired and bored, on meaningless homework assignments and push away worries about tests and projects. I miss home. I miss the freezing winters in the school yard where we would all go out in esikmo levels of warm clothing to build anything and everything we could think of out of snow. I keep zoning out to think of skating on long canals in February, and of happier thoughts of my family around the (hopefully not artificial) Christmas tree.

How long a year it has been already. The end of high school, the beginning of something else entirely. And as my mommy said today "the end is in sight".

I suppose that is reason enough to hope,

Sam

Starved For Creative Content? Join The Club

Alright so it is official:

I did not succeed in completing NANOWRIMO.

In all fairness the last month has hardly been what one might call distraction-free.

Don't worry though I did get a concept for a story going and this is not the last that you will hear about it.


Sam