If I Don't Make It Know That I Loved You All [Along]

The university life is a strange one. According to TV (the most logical source of all universal knowledge, the wikipedia of social interaction) I should be rebellious, inspired, protesting, having lots of unsafe and morally unsound sex and never going to classes.

Instead, I have been - cynically - lethargic, detached, antisocial - optimistically - committed, well mannered and progressive. I keep making these retrospective comments thinking I might be able to tie some importance to things that have occurred in the past months, particularly those that were difficult.

The reality is that I haven't really changed that much. I keep searching for my great evolution or that moment of 'finding myself' but I am coming to realize that I might not have been as lost as I thought. As this school year wore I had many epiphanies. Friendship can be constant or it can be lost. Relationships can be uplifting or they can be oppressive. Scholarship can make you wise or justify your ignorance with better argumentation.

In the end I feel the same things I always have but all too often neglect.

We don't value the best relationships in our lives. We overlook them in favor of agonizing about unhealthy ones. It is somehow more natural to express anger, blame and guilt than it is to say thank you to the people who are stable forces of good in our lives. For me it is my mother and father who have never let me down and never let me fall too far from the bar I set for myself. It is my sisters and brother who always seem to know when I need to hear a calm voice, or hear from someone who will never have reason to judge me. It is my friends old and new who smile in the hope that it is contagious and hold out their hands if they see that I just can't. My boyfriend who in three months as made me laugh more often (at the worst jokes mind you) than I ever have in my life. I don't thank any of you nearly enough.

Too many of us are satisfied with our own mediocrity. We don't like to take responsibility for our actions (we can blame it on God or on biochemical reactions in our brain but it is the same sin).

I guess what I can offer isn't solutions, or even a full list of problems, but gratitude. There is still for me, as there always has been, a reason to thank God at the end of the day. Whether you call it the same name or give it the same structure I hope that you remember to be thankful in your lives as well.

That being said here are some hopeful words from Hawksley Workman:

the downy feathered chests of proud hawks sitting timeless in highway side

trees. and this morning i was up so early. pissed outside under the

stars. 5:30 am. i thought of winter ravens. that maybe they fly at

night. imperceptibly. between the dots of bright galaxies. and the bats

must be asleep through this. skied through the cold today. a pure blue

connection from me to the beyond. the horses wore blankets in immaculate

fields. there's a natural order to things. harmony is the only option.

did aristotle say the birds flew under the ice in winter? i'm incredibly

positive these days. i see possibilities. i see hope. it's been a funny

while in the music biz, i must admit. over the last year or so i've

recorded a lot of music. my love and faith is restored every time i play

live these days... but the studio is testing me... my patience, my

faith. i feel the deck stacked against me... but i've never felt more

focused and fresh... i made a record... finished it before christmas.

somewhere between then and now it was shelved in favour of starting over

again from scratch. the record felt like a lover i grew apart from...

when it was finally completed we looked like strangers to each other.

kiss... it's been lovely... i need to be alone. i've been working with

my brilliant neighbour and friend andre wahl... he's a real clever kid

who, back in the autumn picked me up and dusted me off... so we're

planning to start again for real this time... early march. as i said

earlier... playing reminds me of the importance of connection... i feel

blessed to be able to travel and play. the starling tour saved my life...

again i thank all those who shared those nights with me... it was a

massive reconnection with myself and the music. over the next while i'm

going to play a few shows... get back in shape... i want my voice to

soar (not a sore voice though) when i get back into the studio... so

please i say... reach for what's positive... cherish love and peace...

seek it in heart and mind... i have such a wonderful feeling for the

year. may wisdom be yours too. h.

One of these days I am going to write an essay before the week that it is due.

One of these days...

Sam

My Existential Map Has You Are Here Written All Over It

Alright so here is a confession: I am emo. I let little things get to me, I get thrown off course by the stupidity of others, I contemplate the vast emptiness of the universe and yes I enjoy listening to Dashboard Confessional.

I recently decided that the little mid-young-adult life crisis thing I have got going on is the direct result of boredom. My classes are seeming dull and tiring. Religions is currently dealing with traditions (eastern) that maintain that the western mind can never hope to comprehend them. Psychology is doing YET ANOTHER over view of the same dead white men who control the history of just about every discipline I will ever hope to study (that is right Freud I am talking to you). French is actually quite interesting but occurs Wednesdays between 6-9 pm when I am cranky and hungry and disinterested. Art History and French Culture Studies seem to be heading in an interesting direction but have definitely not got there yet.

Outside of class weird unrelated events keep happening (think I Heart Huckabees). The other day I was walking down the street with my boyfriend when a group of 12-15 teenage boys blocked the sidewalk. We kept walking through carefully ignoring them but the ringleader (not wearing a shirt in the -2 degree weather) started yelling at Tal. When neither of us showed any reaction he became more and more explicit eventually referring to my boyfriend as a 'faggot'.

Smaller incidents that seem slightly out of place in my day to day life have put me on heightened intuitive alert but I acknowledge that I am likely reading far too much into the universe these days.

In the truly subtle fashion that I love, the universe guided to me this exert from a required reading assignment novel called How Proust Can Change Your Life:

There are few things that humans today are as dedicated to as unhappiness. Had we been placed on earth by a malign creator for the exclusive purpose of suffering, we would have good reason to congratulate ourselves on our enthusiastic response to the task. Reasons to be inconsolable are abound: the fragility of our bodies, the fickleness of love, the insincerities of social life, the compromises of friendship, the deadening effects of habit. In the face of such persistent ills, we might naturally expect that no event would be awaited with more anticipation than the moment of our own extinction.

And that my dear friends, is precisely what is bothering me. Also, I have a cold. I eagerly await seeing if Proust can cure one (or both!) of my afflictions but for now I am confined to catching up on sleep and studying my mildly schizophrenic notes from the debut of this semester.

Sam

Items Found In The Abyss

I am not in the sort of mood to write out a whole continuous post that makes coherent sense so instead I offer you some of my more recently acquired wisdom. Use it wisely.

*No matter who you are, what you look like or what you stand for in life you will inevitably spend at least one night with your head in a bucket. It is a night you should remember when yours is not the head in the bucket.

*How to discover your best friend: when something happens in your life that seems dramatic, emotional, life-altering, controversial and scandalous the best friend is the one who says "so what?" knowing that no amount of angst changes who you are and how much they love you.

*We will all love deeply throughout our lives. The expression "to fall in..." is more accurate than we like to think. The loves we lose will haunt us, the loves we gain will guide us. In the end we have to spend a certain number of nights alone and that is why we should all learn to knit.

*The best kind of love is the kind that laughs with you, at you, around you and because of you.

*An illness of the mind will never been treated with the same sympathy as one of the body. On the other hand, all the best famous dead people were bat shit insane.

*Being a cynical non-believer in God does not make you any more normal than the guy who chants his mantras on the way to class. (In extreme cases it makes you skeptical and awkward and therefore devoid of normal social interactions.)

*And the following Michael Franti song:

Don't fear your best freinds, because a best friend would never try to do you wrong.
And don't fear your worst friends,
because a worst friend is just a best friend that's done you wrong.
And don't fear the night time, because the monsters know you're devine.
And don't fear the sunshine, because everything is better in the summertime.

But it's never too late to start the day over, it's never to late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.

Don't fear the water, because you can swim inside you within your skin.
And don't fear your father, because a father's just a boy without a friend.
And don't fear to walk slow, don't be a horserace, be a marathon.
And don't fear the long road, because on the long road you got a long time to sing a simple song.

But it's never too late to start the day over,
it's never too late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.

Don't fear your teachers, because if you listen you can hear music in a school bell.
And don't fear your preacher, if you can't find heaven in a prison cell.
And don't fear your own self, paying money to justify your worth.
And don't fear your family, because you chose them along time before your birth.

But it's never too late to start the day over,
it's never too late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.

Hold to your children, hold to your children, hold to your children, let them know

Sam

All The Small Things And Other Mediocre Pop Songs

I am currently feeling that introspective embarrassment that comes only after a night of being unnecessarily emotional.

I am official moved back into residence. I could say that I have been back since Friday but I spent all of Saturday out and about and even ended up going home for a bit, so last night was really my (second) first night here. In any case for whatever reason the emptiness (and yes, cleanliness) of my room got to me and I spent the evening feeling awful and lonely. When perhaps I should have just curled up in bed knitting and sipping hot chocolate I instead dwelled on ever sad thing I could think of.

Needless to say I didn't sleep well. At the best of times I am rarely lucky enough to get a really good night's sleep. I was awake to hear my neighbour (not sure which) and friends come in at 4:23 am but sleep found me shortly there after.

I figured being tired and having worn myself out being moppish and sad I would sleep comfortably until the light afternoon. This was not to be the case. I awoke fully and painfully (having shared my bed with a few knitting needles by accident) at 9:12 am. I will let you do the math.

I got up as slowly as I could, realizing that I had a day of cleaning, sorting and preparing for school ahead of me. Eventually I made my way to the caf for... brunch i guess. I had a very yummy chicken noodle soup and a salad with poppy seed dressing. It was good to eat and quite tasty so when I stepped out into the bright overcast day I felt stupid about my whole attitude last night. I can't really be blamed though; it was rainy and dark and with the boyfriend too far away to call and my friends and family uptown things just couldn't seem optimistic.

So I began my effort this morning to cheer myself up. I am currently listening to an audio book of the hobbit (putting harry potter on the ishelf for the time being I am convinced that it encourages me to be emo). I have re rearranged my furniture back into a comfortable configuration and I even rigged up a system to drape my new wall hanging (very beautiful Christmas present from the fam) over my bookshelf to cover my dishes when they are not being used.

There is still a pile of stuff in the middle of my floor. That should come as no shock to anyone. My next task is to sort is all out and have it all put away by the late afternoon.

So the last five and and half paragraphs all to prelude the fact of the matter. School starts again tomorrow. I can't say if I am looking forward to it or not... the distraction will be a welcome one and maybe the week will pass a little quicker than usual.

My schedule for the semester is so-so;
Monday Religions 10-11
Tuesday Psychology 11-12
Wednesday Religions 10-11 French 6-9 pm
Thursday 9-10 Art History (tutorial) 10-11 psychology 2-4 Art History
Friday 10-12 French Cultural studies 12-1 Religions (tutorial)

so a little change, a few more class hours but this remains ever the same...

the peacock lives next door.

Sam