If I Don't Make It Know That I Loved You All [Along]

The university life is a strange one. According to TV (the most logical source of all universal knowledge, the wikipedia of social interaction) I should be rebellious, inspired, protesting, having lots of unsafe and morally unsound sex and never going to classes.

Instead, I have been - cynically - lethargic, detached, antisocial - optimistically - committed, well mannered and progressive. I keep making these retrospective comments thinking I might be able to tie some importance to things that have occurred in the past months, particularly those that were difficult.

The reality is that I haven't really changed that much. I keep searching for my great evolution or that moment of 'finding myself' but I am coming to realize that I might not have been as lost as I thought. As this school year wore I had many epiphanies. Friendship can be constant or it can be lost. Relationships can be uplifting or they can be oppressive. Scholarship can make you wise or justify your ignorance with better argumentation.

In the end I feel the same things I always have but all too often neglect.

We don't value the best relationships in our lives. We overlook them in favor of agonizing about unhealthy ones. It is somehow more natural to express anger, blame and guilt than it is to say thank you to the people who are stable forces of good in our lives. For me it is my mother and father who have never let me down and never let me fall too far from the bar I set for myself. It is my sisters and brother who always seem to know when I need to hear a calm voice, or hear from someone who will never have reason to judge me. It is my friends old and new who smile in the hope that it is contagious and hold out their hands if they see that I just can't. My boyfriend who in three months as made me laugh more often (at the worst jokes mind you) than I ever have in my life. I don't thank any of you nearly enough.

Too many of us are satisfied with our own mediocrity. We don't like to take responsibility for our actions (we can blame it on God or on biochemical reactions in our brain but it is the same sin).

I guess what I can offer isn't solutions, or even a full list of problems, but gratitude. There is still for me, as there always has been, a reason to thank God at the end of the day. Whether you call it the same name or give it the same structure I hope that you remember to be thankful in your lives as well.

That being said here are some hopeful words from Hawksley Workman:

the downy feathered chests of proud hawks sitting timeless in highway side

trees. and this morning i was up so early. pissed outside under the

stars. 5:30 am. i thought of winter ravens. that maybe they fly at

night. imperceptibly. between the dots of bright galaxies. and the bats

must be asleep through this. skied through the cold today. a pure blue

connection from me to the beyond. the horses wore blankets in immaculate

fields. there's a natural order to things. harmony is the only option.

did aristotle say the birds flew under the ice in winter? i'm incredibly

positive these days. i see possibilities. i see hope. it's been a funny

while in the music biz, i must admit. over the last year or so i've

recorded a lot of music. my love and faith is restored every time i play

live these days... but the studio is testing me... my patience, my

faith. i feel the deck stacked against me... but i've never felt more

focused and fresh... i made a record... finished it before christmas.

somewhere between then and now it was shelved in favour of starting over

again from scratch. the record felt like a lover i grew apart from...

when it was finally completed we looked like strangers to each other.

kiss... it's been lovely... i need to be alone. i've been working with

my brilliant neighbour and friend andre wahl... he's a real clever kid

who, back in the autumn picked me up and dusted me off... so we're

planning to start again for real this time... early march. as i said

earlier... playing reminds me of the importance of connection... i feel

blessed to be able to travel and play. the starling tour saved my life...

again i thank all those who shared those nights with me... it was a

massive reconnection with myself and the music. over the next while i'm

going to play a few shows... get back in shape... i want my voice to

soar (not a sore voice though) when i get back into the studio... so

please i say... reach for what's positive... cherish love and peace...

seek it in heart and mind... i have such a wonderful feeling for the

year. may wisdom be yours too. h.

One of these days I am going to write an essay before the week that it is due.

One of these days...

Sam