Sam at Uni in the T dot

It Just So Happens To Be Cold Again

2007-10-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

I am not going to spend a bunch of time explain why it took me until the middle of October to write my "School has started again" post. In a nutshell this has been the kind of autumn you spend all summer preparing for and then all of the sudden you are failing midterms and wondering where it all got off track.

Some Feist lyrics for your consideration:

We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
The answer isn't for us

The answers I don't know could build us all a life boat to get out of this mess. But I do know that it is (at last, at least) getting cold again. There is really no fun in school when you don't have the cliché biting wind and stunning trees to fall back on. Well, school really is no fun on a general whole but in following with all the previous platitudes you get out what you put in. I digress.

My favorite fall fashions this year ?

Opaque Tights : Warm cosy and solely responsible for adding a level of modesty to the fall wardrobes of all the Prostifrosh running around campus (I am looking at you Wolfe House)

Organic Cotton Scarfs : Whoever said Fair trade wasn't sexy was sadly mistaken. See also Bamboo Clothing. (Don't drink the coffee though, it is still gross) And for the boys... the Man-Scarf especially really crafty looking heavy knit ones will be key for winter, but until then stick to the Dress-Shoes-And-Jeans thing.

Home Streching and Kvetching

2007-05-02T07:38:00.000-07:00

The end is near.

I am, as of last night, three quarters of the way done my first year of University. And what a year has it been... there is far too much that has happened in the short (and long) months since we embarked on this journey dear friends to even begin to come to terms with it.

The end of the year isnt at all like what I expected it to be. I was thinking it would be similar to the chaotic and fast paced end of semester one. Instead it is like a beheaded cockroach that just refuses to die. It has worn on and on for nearly a month of final tasks, tests and assignments. I find myself in an unhealthy and tired relationship with Varsity Arena.

I am beginning to pack up my rez room and sort out my summer plans, but honestly the end of the year is likely to never end.

sam

Signs of Apocalypse

2007-04-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about Freud. I dream in Dali paintings. I see the world in the angles of a pool table. I wear sweatpants out of the house.

University is that kind of parasitic entity that works its way into your system and then feeds of your nutrients. It starves out your internal organs, and give you a caffeine craving like you would not believe. All thoughts have to be filtered, revised- hell cited-before leaving your brain to become something useful. The process is all analytic.

Maybe it is just a figment of my post-pubescent mind, but it seems like everything I am being taught is self-reflected. They are trying to make you ask yourself the kinda of questions that you can only get on the therapist's couch.... or from Gauguin paintings.

It is possible that it s just my degree that implants these auto response critical thinking processes. On the one hand I have my Art Historical bias- this consisting of prodding, probing and digging your way to some 'internal truth'. It is all about asking what the back story is, or the historical context, where is the deviation from the norm, where is the continuing of precedent, did the painter have a soft spot for their mother?

Filling that out a little more is my Religions side of things. It adds about a million more questions to the list of Things To Ask Oneself In Any Given Moment Of Time; what is the goal of this, what is the reality, who started it, who continued it, who will come after, what is the common ground, where does it happen, what's the hagiography.

And far worse than either of those is the proverbial PSYCH 100. Every class is one of three things;
a) A Self Awareness Exercise
b) A Historical Review
or worst of the worst
c) A Lesson in How To Psychoanalyze (read:manipulate) Friends and Family

I am beginning to feel that my brain has been prepped to carry out the global domination strategy of the U of T roster of professors. I can no longer look at someone walking down the street wearing a red scarf without first identifying their mental disorder, recognizing their specific sect and then hypothesizing on the importance of line and volume of the fabric with respect to its anthropomorphic representations of the Christ Pantokrator .

Sam

Coughing, Coffee, Cacaphony

2007-04-02T08:14:00.001-07:00

The year is almost over. It is so weird to think that spring is here and in a month's time I will be done with year one of four. I don't understand where all the time went, seems like just yesterday I was heading back over the prairies on a plane.

With the end of the year and the change of seasons comes the usual cough and workload. I am thrilled to say that I am done all of my assignments and now I sit here trying to motivate myself to start preparing for exams, but I think I will wait a few more days before that happens.

I am trying to decide what to do for the summer, and not really getting very far. I think I am too excited that winter is finally gone ( I say this fully aware that it is likely to snow this week) to really get ahead of myself. I am told that this campus really comes to life in the spring and I am looking forward to not having to wear pants. By this I of course means shorts and skirts and not full blown nudity.

Today is a cool, grey, not-so-pretty day, and the week is likely to be a cold one. Still there is so much green grass and a family of Starlings in the Quad, so I guess it ain't all bad .

Sam

Head to blogger actual for a new spring playlist

Walks and Watercolours

2007-03-13T15:55:00.000-07:00

A new (old) anxiety has been haunting me lately about the true value of education. In high school I used to have days where I would sit in class and seriously question the benefits of me being there and though I am sure the same sentiment plagues everyone every now and then, I find this feeling in me only grows.

That is not to say that I don't value my current learning whatsoever; I am so deeply grateful for the sheer fact that I am able to have such an education. I love what I am learning, I enjoy my classes, admire my professors and truly believe that four years of this will provide me with an incredible platform of skills and knowledge. But there is something holding me back from working my hardest, and making me hesitate to jump at any opportunity to say "I go to U of T".

Today I had a conversation with my boyfriend about the way people perceive various levels of education. It occurred to me that though I used to doubt the true measure of my growth through academic pursuits I would judge more educated people as somehow superior. This is something I can no longer to believe.

Coming to what is commonly regarded as one of the best schools in the nation, I expected to be on the bottom of the intellectual scale. I anticipated being surrounded by innovation, genius, and brilliance at every turn and was honestly disappointed at ranking at much the same level as I had in high school. What has been consistently proven to me this year is that the vast majority of people who attend this (and other institutions) will never strive to nor actually achieve equal feats as the great men and women that we study. I may hate Freud, I may be tired of learning about Darwin, I may even disagree with most art historical theory but I recognize the genius of such progressions and doubt my own ability to live up to them.

We all want to be doctors, lawyers, architects, accountants. This is what we spend our time doing but this isn't what we are. It is tragic to me that so many of us don't act that way. What our jobs will be in the future, what schools we attend now- is this what defines our generation?

Fight Club puts it best

"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

I have nothing to fight for, nothing to rebel against expect myself. I have come to believe that this reality is a major source of the new rash of psychological disorders that are rampant within our society (myself included). I could protest the war, pollution, anorexic models, fundamentalism, but to be honest it would be a projection of internal anger and not true moral objection. Can I protest a war I am not being asked to fight? Can I mandate that another human being care about the earth? Can I spit on a girl who doesn't eat? Can I say that one method of believing is inherently wrong?

And so I come back to education. I am not proud to say that I am a student at The University of Toronto, with a good average and great potential. I have chosen this path for myself and so I take no pleasure in other people's praise of it. So often I have listened to sermons about the age of Human Doings instead of Human Beings and missed the point. We are doing good things by being educated, productive, working members of our society.

Are we being anything good?

It is not only my natural tendency toward pessimism that tells me that we aren't.

Sam

Poor Weather Conditions

2007-03-02T06:09:00.001-08:00

Ah the return to the normal Universtiy life.

Last week I had my first experience with University reading week, to be honest I was expecting something a bit like SPRING BREAK MIAMI in ugg boots but I was surprised. In fact, most of the people I know spent reading week at home with their families, writing essays (in which their families had very little involvement). And for those of us that went away, it seemed to be
for more... educational purposes.

My decision to jump a train to Montreal with Tal was a pretty quick one. I was starting to feel overwhelmed by Toronto, oppressed by the campus buildings and generally unhappy with my surroundings. I seemed to have made a very good choice.

Heading to Montreal was in a sense the ideal Reading Week experience. I saw old friends (who I consider family), studied my Religions material via theological discussion (and some practical application), I even looked into the psychology of acting training. The food was delicious, the sights were beautiful.

But mostly their was skating.

Since leaving Edmonton (where I had several skating rinks in my school yard each winter) I have found that I have a strange desire to skate more than I ever did in my childhood. Tal and I rented skates at Montreal's old port (a large man made ice surface with fun music attached to a 'natural' trail for the more adventurous). Though he used to be rather unskilled at skating, he seems to have magically surpassed me in ability, perhaps through some deal with the devil.

Skating in Montreal felt alot like working off every anxiety that I had been building up for week. I can't tell you how fun it was (the whole trip was) and how happy I was to be with the people I was with.

In fact it was a week full of the most impressive kind of people. Ones who think, learn and debate. I find I miss being surrounded by such diversity of intellect; so many different kinds of people who befriend eachother based on goodness of character and not favorite TV shows.

And now I am back into the swing of things. Icky frozen rain and snow are making today a mess and a big part of me hopes that classes will be canceled and I can just stay home and watch Battlestar Galactica. I am not sure I am happy to be back to a (rather unproductive) routine but I did miss the city and it is good to be home .

Sam

Poor Weather Conditions

2007-03-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

Anger Issues (anger ensues ?)

2007-02-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

There is a post that I have been writing nearly three weeks now. This is not it.

I am frustrated. Mostly this is because I have three midterms this week and I think I may divide one good mark between all of them. It is also because I have been feeling abnormally anxious and bizarre ghosts from the past are nagging me.

But it is also because the person upstairs is loud. Only recently, my upstairs neighbour started his tendency to make loud thumping noises (i think these are more likely due to an abnormally jumpy exercise routine and not a erm... nighttime friend). This obtrusive pounding has got me all off my routine. I can't sleep (that may also be because the guy to the right of me has the LOUDEST alarm ever and often leaves it beeping for hours at a time) even if I would have been able to anyway. I also can't focus on studying, nor on important things like knitting and blogging.

On the plus side I have officially taught my first knitting convert (yay for megan!) and it seems I am not such a crap teacher after all.

The long and short of it is: check out my new anger/nostalgia playlist (go to blogger actual if you are facebook reading) it keeps me sane. Sane and bitter.

Sam

If I Don't Make It Know That I Loved You All [Along]

2007-01-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

The university life is a strange one. According to TV (the most logical source of all universal knowledge, the wikipedia of social interaction) I should be rebellious, inspired, protesting, having lots of unsafe and morally unsound sex and never going to classes.

Instead, I have been - cynically - lethargic, detached, antisocial - optimistically - committed, well mannered and progressive. I keep making these retrospective comments thinking I might be able to tie some importance to things that have occurred in the past months, particularly those that were difficult.

The reality is that I haven't really changed that much. I keep searching for my great evolution or that moment of 'finding myself' but I am coming to realize that I might not have been as lost as I thought. As this school year wore I had many epiphanies. Friendship can be constant or it can be lost. Relationships can be uplifting or they can be oppressive. Scholarship can make you wise or justify your ignorance with better argumentation.

In the end I feel the same things I always have but all too often neglect.

We don't value the best relationships in our lives. We overlook them in favor of agonizing about unhealthy ones. It is somehow more natural to express anger, blame and guilt than it is to say thank you to the people who are stable forces of good in our lives. For me it is my mother and father who have never let me down and never let me fall too far from the bar I set for myself. It is my sisters and brother who always seem to know when I need to hear a calm voice, or hear from someone who will never have reason to judge me. It is my friends old and new who smile in the hope that it is contagious and hold out their hands if they see that I just can't. My boyfriend who in three months as made me laugh more often (at the worst jokes mind you) than I ever have in my life. I don't thank any of you nearly enough.

Too many of us are satisfied with our own mediocrity. We don't like to take responsibility for our actions (we can blame it on God or on biochemical reactions in our brain but it is the same sin).

I guess what I can offer isn't solutions, or even a full list of problems, but gratitude. There is still for me, as there always has been, a reason to thank God at the end of the day. Whether you call it the same name or give it the same structure I hope that you remember to be thankful in your lives as well.

That being said here are some hopeful words from Hawksley Workman:

the downy feathered chests of proud hawks sitting timeless in highway side

trees. and this morning i was up so early. pissed outside under the

stars. 5:30 am. i thought of winter ravens. that maybe they fly at

night. imperceptibly. between the dots of bright galaxies. and the bats

must be asleep through this. skied through the cold today. a pure blue

connection from me to the beyond. the horses wore blankets in immaculate

fields. there's a natural order to things. harmony is the only option.

did aristotle say the birds flew under the ice in winter? i'm incredibly

positive these days. i see possibilities. i see hope. it's been a funny

while in the music biz, i must admit. over the last year or so i've

recorded a lot of music. my love and faith is restored every time i play

live these days... but the studio is testing me... my patience, my

faith. i feel the deck stacked against me... but i've never felt more

focused and fresh... i made a record... finished it before christmas.

somewhere between then and now it was shelved in favour of starting over

again from scratch. the record felt like a lover i grew apart from...

when it was finally completed we looked like strangers to each other.

kiss... it's been lovely... i need to be alone. i've been working with

my brilliant neighbour and friend andre wahl... he's a real clever kid

who, back in the autumn picked me up and dusted me off... so we're

planning to start again for real this time... early march. as i said

earlier... playing reminds me of the importance of connection... i feel

blessed to be able to travel and play. the starling tour saved my life...

again i thank all those who shared those nights with me... it was a

massive reconnection with myself and the music. over the next while i'm

going to play a few shows... get back in shape... i want my voice to

soar (not a sore voice though) when i get back into the studio... so

please i say... reach for what's positive... cherish love and peace...

seek it in heart and mind... i have such a wonderful feeling for the

year. may wisdom be yours too. h.

One of these days I am going to write an essay before the week that it is due.

One of these days...

Sam

My Existential Map Has You Are Here Written All Over It

2007-01-18T21:12:00.000-08:00

Alright so here is a confession: I am emo. I let little things get to me, I get thrown off course by the stupidity of others, I contemplate the vast emptiness of the universe and yes I enjoy listening to Dashboard Confessional.

I recently decided that the little mid-young-adult life crisis thing I have got going on is the direct result of boredom. My classes are seeming dull and tiring. Religions is currently dealing with traditions (eastern) that maintain that the western mind can never hope to comprehend them. Psychology is doing YET ANOTHER over view of the same dead white men who control the history of just about every discipline I will ever hope to study (that is right Freud I am talking to you). French is actually quite interesting but occurs Wednesdays between 6-9 pm when I am cranky and hungry and disinterested. Art History and French Culture Studies seem to be heading in an interesting direction but have definitely not got there yet.

Outside of class weird unrelated events keep happening (think I Heart Huckabees). The other day I was walking down the street with my boyfriend when a group of 12-15 teenage boys blocked the sidewalk. We kept walking through carefully ignoring them but the ringleader (not wearing a shirt in the -2 degree weather) started yelling at Tal. When neither of us showed any reaction he became more and more explicit eventually referring to my boyfriend as a 'faggot'.

Smaller incidents that seem slightly out of place in my day to day life have put me on heightened intuitive alert but I acknowledge that I am likely reading far too much into the universe these days.

In the truly subtle fashion that I love, the universe guided to me this exert from a required reading assignment novel called How Proust Can Change Your Life:

There are few things that humans today are as dedicated to as unhappiness. Had we been placed on earth by a malign creator for the exclusive purpose of suffering, we would have good reason to congratulate ourselves on our enthusiastic response to the task. Reasons to be inconsolable are abound: the fragility of our bodies, the fickleness of love, the insincerities of social life, the compromises of friendship, the deadening effects of habit. In the face of such persistent ills, we might naturally expect that no event would be awaited with more anticipation than the moment of our own extinction.

And that my dear friends, is precisely what is bothering me. Also, I have a cold. I eagerly await seeing if Proust can cure one (or both!) of my afflictions but for now I am confined to catching up on sleep and studying my mildly schizophrenic notes from the debut of this semester.

Sam

Items Found In The Abyss

2007-01-14T20:01:00.000-08:00

I am not in the sort of mood to write out a whole continuous post that makes coherent sense so instead I offer you some of my more recently acquired wisdom. Use it wisely.

*No matter who you are, what you look like or what you stand for in life you will inevitably spend at least one night with your head in a bucket. It is a night you should remember when yours is not the head in the bucket.

*How to discover your best friend: when something happens in your life that seems dramatic, emotional, life-altering, controversial and scandalous the best friend is the one who says "so what?" knowing that no amount of angst changes who you are and how much they love you.

*We will all love deeply throughout our lives. The expression "to fall in..." is more accurate than we like to think. The loves we lose will haunt us, the loves we gain will guide us. In the end we have to spend a certain number of nights alone and that is why we should all learn to knit.

*The best kind of love is the kind that laughs with you, at you, around you and because of you.

*An illness of the mind will never been treated with the same sympathy as one of the body. On the other hand, all the best famous dead people were bat shit insane.

*Being a cynical non-believer in God does not make you any more normal than the guy who chants his mantras on the way to class. (In extreme cases it makes you skeptical and awkward and therefore devoid of normal social interactions.)

*And the following Michael Franti song:

Don't fear your best freinds, because a best friend would never try to do you wrong.
And don't fear your worst friends,
because a worst friend is just a best friend that's done you wrong.
And don't fear the night time, because the monsters know you're devine.
And don't fear the sunshine, because everything is better in the summertime.

But it's never too late to start the day over, it's never to late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.

Don't fear the water, because you can swim inside you within your skin.
And don't fear your father, because a father's just a boy without a friend.
And don't fear to walk slow, don't be a horserace, be a marathon.
And don't fear the long road, because on the long road you got a long time to sing a simple song.

But it's never too late to start the day over,
it's never too late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.

Don't fear your teachers, because if you listen you can hear music in a school bell.
And don't fear your preacher, if you can't find heaven in a prison cell.
And don't fear your own self, paying money to justify your worth.
And don't fear your family, because you chose them along time before your birth.

But it's never too late to start the day over,
it's never too late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.

Hold to your children, hold to your children, hold to your children, let them know

Sam

All The Small Things And Other Mediocre Pop Songs

2007-01-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

I am currently feeling that introspective embarrassment that comes only after a night of being unnecessarily emotional.

I am official moved back into residence. I could say that I have been back since Friday but I spent all of Saturday out and about and even ended up going home for a bit, so last night was really my (second) first night here. In any case for whatever reason the emptiness (and yes, cleanliness) of my room got to me and I spent the evening feeling awful and lonely. When perhaps I should have just curled up in bed knitting and sipping hot chocolate I instead dwelled on ever sad thing I could think of.

Needless to say I didn't sleep well. At the best of times I am rarely lucky enough to get a really good night's sleep. I was awake to hear my neighbour (not sure which) and friends come in at 4:23 am but sleep found me shortly there after.

I figured being tired and having worn myself out being moppish and sad I would sleep comfortably until the light afternoon. This was not to be the case. I awoke fully and painfully (having shared my bed with a few knitting needles by accident) at 9:12 am. I will let you do the math.

I got up as slowly as I could, realizing that I had a day of cleaning, sorting and preparing for school ahead of me. Eventually I made my way to the caf for... brunch i guess. I had a very yummy chicken noodle soup and a salad with poppy seed dressing. It was good to eat and quite tasty so when I stepped out into the bright overcast day I felt stupid about my whole attitude last night. I can't really be blamed though; it was rainy and dark and with the boyfriend too far away to call and my friends and family uptown things just couldn't seem optimistic.

So I began my effort this morning to cheer myself up. I am currently listening to an audio book of the hobbit (putting harry potter on the ishelf for the time being I am convinced that it encourages me to be emo). I have re rearranged my furniture back into a comfortable configuration and I even rigged up a system to drape my new wall hanging (very beautiful Christmas present from the fam) over my bookshelf to cover my dishes when they are not being used.

There is still a pile of stuff in the middle of my floor. That should come as no shock to anyone. My next task is to sort is all out and have it all put away by the late afternoon.

So the last five and and half paragraphs all to prelude the fact of the matter. School starts again tomorrow. I can't say if I am looking forward to it or not... the distraction will be a welcome one and maybe the week will pass a little quicker than usual.

My schedule for the semester is so-so;
Monday Religions 10-11
Tuesday Psychology 11-12
Wednesday Religions 10-11 French 6-9 pm
Thursday 9-10 Art History (tutorial) 10-11 psychology 2-4 Art History
Friday 10-12 French Cultural studies 12-1 Religions (tutorial)

so a little change, a few more class hours but this remains ever the same...

the peacock lives next door.

Sam

Sitting Knitting Waiting Wishing

2006-12-29T12:06:00.000-08:00

As it stands currently, I am a mediocre knitter. I have tried, I have read cleverly titled books, i have fussed and fiddle but I don't appear to be improving. And yet I power through. For whatever reason, and God only knows, I love to knit.

This Christmas was a good one. Five days straight of busy family time seeing my sisters and brother, hanging out with my mom and dad faded into endless hours loafing about the house in my new robes and slippers. My house is filled with chocolate and various food products. There is a mountain of gift baskets and books and books strewn about my living room. I got all the presents I could have ever asked for including a very comfy new chair, amazing BOSE headphones, books upon books (and books about books!) as well as about a million other things.

I am using my time to rest to its fullest advantage, though this has proven to be a bit of a double edged sword. These days I go to bed early (by my watch, about 1 am mostly) and get up at noon. Typically I sleep about 5-6 hours a night, so you can see how this is a big improvement for me. That being said it eats up alot of the daylight hours which is prime knitting time.

Aside that particular hobby I have continued work on my pseudo-quilt thing that I had intended to complete for my 18th birthday this August. Needless to say the project was barely touched in the summer. It is basically a collection of old T-shirts, fabrics, etc. that I have collected throughout my life. There are girl guide badges, soccer numbers, logos and random bits and pieces from things that only ever mattered to me.

I hope to finish this early in the new year, or at least before 2008. As 2007 draws to a close I am beginning to feel alot of things slipping away. Alot of harboured grudges, regrets and guilty bits of my conscious and starting to become acceptance and forgiveness. I feel lighter and healthier but it is still a time that promotes nostalgia and I am as nostaligic as they get.

And through all my random thoughts I keep knitting stuff.

Not sure whether or not that is some universal metaphor for something.

sam

My Christmas Message (with internal soundtrack)

2006-12-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a long December and there is reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

Exams are over. I vacuumed my rez room and packed up my things before heading home for the holidays. I left the private multipurpose room I have gotten so used to and went back to the Burrow (consult Harry Potter).

They said there would be snow at Christmas, they said there would be peace on earth. But instead it just kept on raining a veil of tears for the virgin birth.

I guess being on campus I hadn't realized that it was Christmas time again. Rain and mud and stress and numerous post-exam drunk people hardly characterize a conventional advent season for me.

I guess the winter makes you laugh a little lower makes you talk a littler slower about the things you could not show her.

Looking back on the year behind me I wonder about some of the choices I have made. I wonder about how I have acted throughout the course of so many changes in my relationships, my place in life, my environment. I have to admit that I am proud to have gotten through all this with the strength and conviction that I have, I only wonder if in the process of surviving I overlooked some values I would have otherwise upheld.

Animals come and animals go but love is just a laundry line you hang on until you are dried out by the sun and when you think your turn is done you end up getting dirty and its all again begun.

The first semester of my university career was, I assume, very similar to everyone elses. You meet new people, some become friends and others mere acquaintances. You look to old friendships and reevaluate their intimacy; some are bound to fade away even while others progress stronger and healthier than ever. You define the limits (often by pushing them) of what you stand for. You take new approaches to romance (this being the best time to take the big risks and step outside of your comfort zone).

I am so hard to handle. I am selfish and I'm sad. Now I have gone and lost the best baby I ever had. I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

This is a time where it is all too easy to be selfish. It has been easy to say; I am sick, tired and overworked, heart broken, sad and lonely. When there are so many bright people around you it is tempting to be egotistical, competitive and pretentious.

I remember one Christmas morning the winter's light and a distant choir, the peel of a bell and that Christmas tree smell, your eyes full of tinsel and fire.

Now I remember (amidst the statues and ornaments of my home) the story of a poor couple who sought a place to stay. Have we decided, in this time of focusing on our own futures, that there is no room for anyone else to stay? As more and more people shy away from telling the Christmas story at all, have those of us who do just memorized the words?

The smell of hospitals in winter And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls. All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.

Looking back to September it strikes me that I may not have been entirely christian (as mentioned in some previous post) but more so that the world around me is filled with a hopeless right now greater than I have ever experienced.

I shouldn't expect to live and I shouldn't expect to die but I wouldn't mind being beside you, dear on that laundry line to dry. For my grandma and brother, my father and my mother, and you my sweetest lover to you all i will say merry Christmas i love you and god is above you

This is a time for candles. I imagine lighting a candle for every small joy in my life. For the laughter of a family, the commitment of friends, the desire for healing and self-improvement. I light candles for each person who has smiled at me, kissed me or held my hand. I wish you candles to keep you warm and to help you see.

.

All The Things I Love/Hate About Being At Home

2006-12-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

*Christmas Cds.
*Being surrounded by books.
*My family.
*Toilette paper that isn't 1 ply.
*The lack of ceiling fans.
*My quilt.
*TV.
*Incredible food, a stocked fridge and holiday cookies.
*Painting.
*My room.
*A private bathroom.
*Having katy to dye my hair.

-The cold.
-My family.
-Not having DC++ and all my downloaded movies.
-The constant desire to sleep.
-Not being able to focus.
-Suburbia.
-Not having all my clothes.
-Not having my own computer.

In the end it comes out more positive than negative but I know I will miss residence while I am back at home for the holidays. In anycase the weeks ahead are looking really busy and crammed full of family etc.

Sam

The Biggest Mistakes You Will Ever Make

2006-12-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

I am facing, this grey December morning, that fallibility inherent in every human being. I am facing regret, longing, sadness and self loathing.

University is a new time. It is hard and stressful as well as liberating and exciting. You get to be out on your own to face the world around you head on. At the end of the day you get to face yourself around every corner. In classes and homework you challenge yourself to understand and succeed with good marks. Outside the buildings you challenge yourself to make new friendships that are healthier and stronger than old ones. You look to be a better person. But in the end, most of us have just are only wrapped up in ourselves. Most of us will say that we have enough stress, enough work, enough emotion, enough illness already. We close the door to the world and live inside. We have forgot the earth and all that she teaches us. This is our greatest mistake.

The earth teaches love. We know how to love each other by studying the relationships of animals. They are pure and concrete. They are examples with few exceptions. They love without question. They are faithful to their nature. They are faithful, loyal and healthy. All roles are filled equally.

An animal with a broken leg is the first to be eaten. So as human beings should we learn to heal our wounds quickly. We cannot cling to what makes us weak. We cannot play the victim and expect to ride the coattails of the pack.

I say this now in my grey December knowing that words hold little bearing. The potency of them comes only from our capacity to imagine the scenes that they depict. I am struggling. But I know that I am not alone in this. We are all struggling and so few of us are willing to rise up against it.

It is the advent season and hope is on its way. Christ is coming, but we know the teachings already. We are playing to well the part of the depicted prechristian people; living without guidance or moral coding. We know how the story ends but we have forgotten. How many of us live lives of compassion, grace, kindness, love and forgiveness? How many of us are bitter, cold and mistrusting? What is the extent of our infidelities to ourselves? How do we profess to live in a world that God created and still contribute to the unbalancing of the universe?

And above all else I ask myself what I think crosses the mind of all people at one time or another...

are all of these things that I hate in the world only the things that I hate in myself? Am I alone at fault for the hurt in my world?

Sam

Take up your cross. For those who want to save their lives will lose it and those who would lose their life for my sake and the sake of the gospel will save it.

It Is The First Snow Of The Year: I Guess It Happens Once A Year

2006-12-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

Today while leaving my residence building it struck me that there was snow on the ground. I let out a breath it felt as if I had been holding for months. Even if I now look outside my window to see large patches of green only a little lined with white, snow has fallen and it reminded me that it is December at last.

We have entered the advent season. To be honest, I don't feel up for it. Generally the cycle of my attitudes on life dictates that I will soon find some true reason for hope and joy and therefore let go of the sadness and anxieties of the fall. But cold weather also means colds, exams and an itchy dryness in the air. I am tired. I see this same sentiment on the faces of people around me. Lately 'how are you' receives a much hollower answer than 'not too bad'.

So I drink Tazo tea and soothe my aching back with a heating bag. I work, tired and bored, on meaningless homework assignments and push away worries about tests and projects. I miss home. I miss the freezing winters in the school yard where we would all go out in esikmo levels of warm clothing to build anything and everything we could think of out of snow. I keep zoning out to think of skating on long canals in February, and of happier thoughts of my family around the (hopefully not artificial) Christmas tree.

How long a year it has been already. The end of high school, the beginning of something else entirely. And as my mommy said today "the end is in sight".

I suppose that is reason enough to hope,

Sam

Starved For Creative Content? Join The Club

2006-12-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

Alright so it is official:

I did not succeed in completing NANOWRIMO.

In all fairness the last month has hardly been what one might call distraction-free.

Don't worry though I did get a concept for a story going and this is not the last that you will hear about it.

Sam

My Torrent Love Affair With Murphy And His Law Continues

2006-11-29T17:16:00.000-08:00

Bernini essay due tomorrow at 2 pm 2.7/4 pages
Home assigment due tomorrow at 11 am 0/4 questions
Physics Essay due Tuesday 10 am 0/11 pages
Dali Essay due Wednesday 4 pm 0/10 pages
French grammar test Wednesday 6 pm 0 hours studying
Religions test on Islam Wednesday 10 am notes for 3/5 classes completed
Number of days I can last before
laundry 4
dishes 1
cleaning 6
sleep undetermined

Remembering that there are exactly 17 hours of class left in the semester...

sam

A Woman Without A Man Is Like A Fish Without A Bicylce

2006-11-28T18:20:00.000-08:00

And somehow we all love our bicycles.

A large part of changing venues , chapters or paths in your life is revising all of the relationships you have. If you ask me this is one of those irrational and totally useless human processes; as even the slightest shift in what you are doing with your life can send you into a spiral of introversion, anxiety and existential crisis. And of course by you I mean me.

I don't tend to think of the effect a major change will have on my life rationally, so when I set out to start University (around June) I didn't prepare myself for practical things like how will my boyfriend still fit into my life or how will the dynamics of my friendships change. Instead, I felt it somehow necessary to redefine myself from the beginning. Somewhere along that train of thought I was... derailed.

What brings this up is of course, the new light in which my relationship with a certain friend, Tal, has been transformed into what is officially being dubbed boyfriend. Oh dear god, you are thinking, she has done it again. I know this because it is what I am thinking too.

When I think about where I was shortly before I came to Toronto I can't help but wonder if I relate better to others, or if at that point I redefined myself a little too much. It is increasingly possible that any minor self-identity crisis is born from the need for my brain to acknowledge history and present circumstance without belittling one or the other. Add to that a sense of general anxiety and the belief that the worst is destined to happen and you come up with my current state of mind. After everything that has happened in the last 4 years, the last 18 years and certainly the last month, have I progressed at all?

I post this only because I am becoming increasingly aware that this same (or similar) thought is on the mind of more than a few people around me. I don't have an answer right now. I don't know that there is one, just a dim reflection of yourself in a mirror.

What I do have is my damned relentless faith. And, although it is a cheesy Starwars shout-out, a new hope.

Sam

Suggested listening: Love, Love, Love -The Mountain Goats
Suggested reading: First Corinthians 13

Why Shut Up and Be Grateful When You Can Blog?

2006-11-20T07:14:00.000-08:00

My thought today is to post my 'Things (edited for inappropriate language) To Do' list. Generally I have at least one of these per day, if not several. I like lists because I am unfocused and disorganized. Also for that highly satisfying sound of a sharpie crossing something off.

Complete religions essay for Wed. 22nd 5-6 pages, 8 sources
Prepare Dali presentation for Wed. 22nd 10 minutes, must include images
Clean rez room, company coming on Friday at the latest.
Last load of laundry (put away previous loads)
Religions Class 10 am.
Breakfast with Megan (this occurs every Mon and Wed and soon Tuesdays and Thursdays)
Charge phone, vacuum, set up kettle
French Homework from last Wed. and for this Wed. Email Prof.
Physics Reading for this week
See Ariel, Bec, Fred briefly this afternoon
Call Kati in Montreal

In a nutshell I wont leave my room for the next three days. Except to go to Robarts. Last night I dreamt that I had roasted Peacock for dinner.

Take that Freud.

Sam

Things to Love About the City Everyone Hates

2006-11-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

It is eleven AM on a Saturday in the fall. The city is dampened by reawaken cold and fallen leaves. The noise doesn't travel; even the closest sounds are distant and slowed melodies. I think John Mayer describes this as the 'kind of morning that lasts all afternoon'.

Today I decided to see how many subway stops I could walk when I was feeling tired and anxious. I tend to measure Toronto this way... he lives 6 subway stops from her, I went 3 subway stops to school etc etc. It was a toss up, walk the 4-5 subway stops to the Eaton Centre from campus or pay a slightly unnecessary 2.75$ to sit in a potentially smelling or grungy train. So I threw on my Keds, my pashmina and my Sargent pepper jacket and took to the streets. I was immediately inspired by the diffuse mid day lighting. I felt like I was wrapped up in a blanket watching old black and white films.

My first encounter was with a man by the name of Reg Hart. He operates a creepy artsy movie theatre out of his living room and is known for being very very eccentric. I met him when I adventurously decided to see a Salvador Dali film fest he was putting on. He urged me to head across the street to LCBO asap as it would be closing in a few minutes. After that he spent longer introducing the films with anecdotes and legends than the movies. He is blunt and disturbing, generous, kind and strange. I love that Toronto has a cast of characters like this; well known people across the city who seem impossibly fictional. Like Jack Layton and Olivia Chow. (Honestly, those two are a sitcom waiting to happen). So this morning as I reach the corner of St. George and College I notice a man putting up posters for The Dark Side of Oz, Dali and various other things. I was expecting it to be one of the many u of t students that Reg Hart befriends, but as I walked past I noticed it was Reg himself. I debated stopping to ask for advice about my upcoming Dali presentation, but instead I smiled and said hello as if I was an old friend. And he said hello right back.

Figuring that the universe sought to reward me for my hard work cleaning yesterday, I treated myself to a Venti Gingerbread Latte. Another beautiful part of this city: there is always a Starbucks within walking distance. And, when a Starbucks employee sneezes and you say 'bless you' more often than not they smile deeply and reply 'thank you' in a way that you know they really mean it. In fact, in this city on this kind of day even the homeless people smile at you when you politely refuse to give them change. More than half of them say please and thank you, and a good number will wish you a pleasant day.

Toronto seems to me to be a living and breathing collective. It is somehow not made up of buildings and monuments, but of the people who pass them everyday. Sometimes- when tensions run high and irritability is rampant- this means that the city adopts an attitude, sticking its tongue out at you and throwing a hand in your face. Sometimes it shuns you. It gives you the cold shoulder and it can feel just like being on 'not-speaking' terms with your lover or your best friend. But sometimes, on a beautiful day, the city surprises you. All of its lines lead your eyes and your feet. If you take away the jadedness of it, Toronto is a place full of community, compassion and delight.

Before I sign off I would like to shout out to two people. For one yesterday was my friend Sopha's birthday. I hope she knows that she is at a point in her life full of potential. I have no doubt in my mind that she will be successful beyond measure, and lead a life full of small joys and great love.

For another I must plug Jim Bryson. I have been made fun of for this already, but I sent him an email just to thank him for the CD North Side Benches which is beautiful and he replied with thoughtful and kind words. Granted, he isn't super famous, and it is unlikely that he gets a lot of thank yous but he is a good musician with a good heart. So give him your money. Or just download it and send him telepathic good vibes.

Sam

I Bet You All Thought I Would Never Post Again

2006-11-17T10:39:00.000-08:00

So i admit that I haven't been writing much lately, but it hasn't only been the blog that suffered. Homework, essays, poetry and NaNoWriMo are all trying to share the few raindrops in the midst of a drought. Actually, I was inspired to pick up the pen again by someone who has no idea that he did it. It is amazing how a notebook full of some terrible terrible writing amid a few gems could remind me that sometimes words are just words and that is okay too.

Lately there have been alot of creative things I desperately want to do but never seem to have the time or energy. I have a story to write! A thingy-ma-jig to knit! A drawing to finish! A roll of film to finish off! And yet I slept in until 1 and sit here now lazily reading facebook and talking to Tal on msn.

I am in a funk. Alright there, I owned up to it. Not everything is ok and I am not happy about all aspects of my life. It is a rut that has been covered over by random bits of such joy and happiness that I haven't really had reason to complain. It is like eating the worst meal you;ve ever had but along with the best wine in the whole world. Somehow the wine just makes it taste better.

I get the sense that now that I have put my feelings of stagnation in writing I will overcome them. It should get easier for me to be focused and motivated as i reorganize the less comfortable things in my life. I am starting with my rez room which is being cleaned until it is emmaculate.... as a metaphor for my lifting of the layer of dust you see.

Sam

La Politesse, la Poésie, les Politiques and French Language Love

2006-10-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

Today- while, I am ashamed to admit, eating breakfast at McDonalds- I encountered possibly the nicest series of people ever. From the courteous and patient cashier (sam is a little slow in the mornings), to a TTC employee who was charming and funny to the shy woman who politely asked for the time. It is these kinds of people who give me hope for this city. When we don't speak eachother's language, but we still smile kindly, or when we paint the sidewalk to make a few bucks and share art with our neighbours we create a community. Yes we are all different, and refuse assimilation, but la politesse could really save us from divisiveness and lead us to true diversity.

For many years now I have been taking all the words that clog up my head and writing poems on scraps of paper. I have many notebooks, and alot of poems tend to get writen on assignments and that sort of thing. Lately I have been find my poetry pretty stale and redundant so in an effort to squeeze out the few remain drops of my creative process I have decided to partake in NANOWRIMO, or national novel writing month. Essentially over the course of november it is my goal to write 50 000 words. It is a big scarey tastes that haunts my dreams, but I think it will a good exercise for me. I will post my word count updates when I post blog entries, but it would be kind of you to check in and make sure I haven't forgotten to write every now and again.

It is a commonly held belief (that I agree with) that students and young people are not politically active enough. Today, I am not going to yell at all of you for not knowing who Clifford Siffton is. Instead, I want to give props for the young and politically involved. Some how it is always the youth who are willing to dress up and stand on a street corner making clever puns about Dalton Maguinties sexuality and his tuition policy. Also they give out candy.

Finally I have to distinct pleasure of writing a french paper in class today that I am not at all looking forward to. But the more I speak, read and listen to music in french the more I am transported by the language. There is something about in so inherent in me; it is comfortable and natural. But i will likely fail anyway.

Elephants, Eroticisms, Ego

2006-10-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

For most anyone who knows me, even just a little, it is a basic truth that Sam Loves Salvador Dali. You enter my room at home to large poster of The metamorphosis of Narcissus and The Persistence of Memory. My room at U of T greets you with Elephants and a Dali calendar. I did my final project for French on Dali's life. I did a photography project on Philippe Halsman just because he took very famous photographs of Dali. You can easily say that I am obsessed.

So it isn't suprising that I have chosen to study Dali for my Shocking Artists, Shocking Art course. In my defense, this is not out of laziness. I plan to delve into this with much more enthusiasm than I would with any other artist. Today I spent nearly three hours researching various artists in an effort to branch out, but I find them unengaging. Every sketch of Dali's, every sculpture and painting can easily preoccupy me for an hour without me being aware that time is passing (disintegrating clocks indeed).

I have chosen to focus on Dali's eroticism, and potentially his blasphemy. I have not explored this particular aspect that closely, as of yet. Partially because Dali is so explicit, and as you all know, it can be difficult to approach such subject matter openly. I think that my classmates and the sheer structure of the project will create a forum in which it isn't awkward to say 'erection', 'masturbation', 'fantasy' etc etc. Also, I think it may be the only time I will discuss Freud without visibly twitching. A lot of Dali's erotic work is a take on Freudian concepts, even sometimes a shot at them.

To inspire all of you, and maybe to give you a clue about what the hell I am talking about I thought I provide a link to some of Dali's more shocking work. If you don't understand what is shocking or interesting about it, but you would like to, let me know. Nothing makes me happier than talking about my Salvador.

Freud’s Perverse Polymorph (Bulgarian Child Eating a Rat), 1939

Female Seated Nude, 1960

Explosion of Faith in a Cathedral, 1974

Face of War

Lugubrious Game, 1929

Young Virgin Auto-Sodomized by Her Own Chastity, 1954

On Your Mark, Get Set.... COMMENCE

2006-10-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Last night was my highschool commencement. I was fairly neutral about it going in; I knew it would be good to see people again but was too worn down after a week of being sick and stressed out to really care.

Upon arrival I was struck with the strangest feeling about what happens to people when they leave high school. Some of them, move on and genuinely change, but I was struck by how many will always be exactly what they are now. Maybe that is unfair to say, but I am not trying to be judgmental. You just sit back and listen to them have the exact same conversations you have heard them have every day for the past four years. If you are lucky the names they gossip about have at least changed thought is quite a sad one since it made me feel like there is a limit to the amount of people who will grow up from being teenangers.

There were some redeeming things in the evening, though. I laughed out loud to see my principal grinning like a madman, rocking back and forth on his heels like a four year old on his birthday. That man has put so much into Newtonbrook in four years- I think all of my efforts really fail in comparison. Other teachers gave me hope as well, there are some who are honestly invested in our success. It seems like that should be garaunteed, but it is a rare gift to have people dedicate themselves to the personal growth otheres. They chose this profession to facilitate youth and that is a noble and honourable goal.

Of all things I was most anticipating (and most happy with) the valedictorian speech by a dear friend of mine. Now it must be said that throughout his years at Newtonbrook I have seen him do some rather questionable things, and I have heard tell of many others... But he is the type of guy who is always there to put up a poster, or talk to a teacher or make you laugh on a bad day. He is the type of guy who knows the staff by their first names, even the janitors.

His speech began like all the others, with welcomes and thank yous. It was glaringly obvious to me that he was forced into the wording of this section, as he over-exaggerated to almost the point of sarcasm (which I loved, it - and the pausing to pose for photos- was the closest thing I got to him using the word 'deuchbag' or talking about peeing) But as he continued he did some things that I really admire. He had the guts to single out some amazing teachers, who do great thing but are rarely appreciated by the students. He made a point of talking about what clearly matters to him, which led to a Very y well said message on laughter, and not taking yourself so seriously.

From there he took the speech to a place I didn't expect him to go. He made very astute and intellectual comments about the world we live in, and even ventured so far as to offer some admirable solutions. To be honest, I think he lost a few people at this point, but knowing him (at least to some degree) I felt that I understood where he was coming from.

From the night as a whole, I don't take a complete sense of panic about the next generation. I look around to my group of friends, all of whom who have contributed so much of their time and energy, and to our deserving Valedictorian... I look at a teacher so dedicated to his students that he would show up after a week of not sleeping at all (And we all know that he will be even more dedicated to his new baby girl), at my principal who has become a dear friend and other teachers who have earned my respect... I look at the students in the crowd who are doing something, who have chosen a cause (or causes) and fight for them...

I see all of these people and I think about how much more I could be doing, I am inspired to moved beyond the contributions that I have already made and to give more. I hope that the other people who came last night were similarly inspired, because that would be a true cause for hope.

On a totally different note, I must thank Mom Dad (and Katy for the idea) for my shiny new ipod nano. It is one of the Project Red items that contributes money to AIDS research. I encourage you all to support such campaigns when you are buying things. Large corporations are taking notice of global issues, and if we as consumers demonstrate our approval, they will continue to do so.

Sam

Further Complications, Work, Murphy's Law and This Damn Cough

2006-10-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

Recent events ...from the keyboard of the LAPPY!

In the end, my computer died. Hopefully it will be returned to me soon, as I already miss all of my music and favorite distractions. How can i go without Harvey Birdman? The Waifs? The Decemberists (newly added to my musical repetoire)? Messenger?

Also, I stopped wallowing in my own filth and cleaned my room. Now it demands to be said that I did this only because it served as a tool for procrastination from my very large scarey essay.

It seems I have lost my touch at blogging, everytime I think of a post I put it off until it isnt relevant anymore. This is just a crappy transition one to get me back in the swing of things.

Sam

Have you noticed that everything always happens at once? Talk about second law thermodynamics, the chaos will only grow.

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

2006-10-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is an invitation to a table, in celebration of the year's harvest, in celebration of abundance and life that comes to an end in the winter months ahead.

We come to the table hungry, looking to be fed and water, looking to come away again satisfied.

We come to the table broken. Lost loves and shattered hearts follow us here like ghosts. Illness obstructs our view, and all too often kills our appetite.

We come to the table lonely. Some of us are far from our homes, some of us are without a clear vision of home. We search for friendship we have not yet found and for a family without struggle. We seek to lay down at the feet of a lover to drink joy from companionship.

We come to the table tired from the weight of our worries. Preoccupied by the world that seems to crumble around us, we bear burdens of fear and guilt, longing and concern. Our mistakes, and our misfortunes refuse to be forgotten.

We come to the table uncertain, confused by the choices we face. We are doubtful of our convictions, tested on our faith, judged by our peers.In the face of our own failures we have become self-conscious and defensive . We have forgotten how to forgive ourselves and eachother.

We come to the table searching. Driven by a search for answers, and for the right questions, a search for stability, clarity and righteousness. In hopes of receiving thanks, we seek gratitude. We have come to find the strength to be thankful.

Before us is laid the feast of harvest. Around us; a family come together in love. Beside us; our dearest friends, found along the way. Within us is a call to give thanks for sunshine and seed, friend and neighbour, lover and sibling, parent and child, air and lungs, water and bread.

May our thanks be to God, or to the Earth. May our thanks be to eachother, or to ourselves. May our thanks be heard and welcomed.

Dearests, although outros are unusual for me, the message of my gratitude is one I try to repeat as often as possible. I know that many of you, close friends, blood relatives, near strangers, new acquaintances, have heard this before but it is with humility and in ernest that I say thank you. So I make this offering to you; I invite you to my table. Whenever the feeling of incompleteness, loneliness, sadness or confusion hits you, I invite you to contact me. Call me when you need a friendly voice, come share a meal with me when you need a helping hand. Do not hesitate to let me show you my gratitude for having you in my life. I am here to listen to the words stuck in your throat, the thoughts in taking up room your head and anything else you may feel the need to say.

Samantha Lalonde
(find all my contact info on facebook, or send me an email at childofthestork@hotmail.com )

Ten Random and Stupid Things That I Love

2006-10-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

In the span of twenty four hours I will come up with ten really great things.

1 New toothbrushes. Don't ask why I am brushing my teeth at two in the afternoon, but yesterday when I went grocery shopping I splurged on a fancy colgate 360. Having a new tooth brush is like getting a facial, you feel just much cleaner. The plaque fighting power is just that much greater.

2 Double Chocolate Muffins. My air, my heroin.

3 My inky purple pen that distracts me from all my lectures

4 "It is like the floral equivalent of S and M" Professor Legge talking about some photographs

5 Reznikoff's Employee Poker Night

6 My comfy comfy bed

7 Jaynestown (the firefly episode in which they discover a town dedicated to Adam Baldwin's character Jayne)

8 chamomile tea. Very strong, with honey

9 Being all tucked into a warm bed, in a cold room when you still have another hour and a half before you have to get up

10 Having to run to class because you stayed in that bed for an hour and forty five minutes before even entertaining the idea of moving

Newly Decided Distributions of My Time (yes I know I wont stick to it)

2006-10-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Daily

30 minutes of back exercises or other physical activity
30 minutes of French radio, music, film or reading
1 hour or more of reading (for class or not)
2 meals eaten without doing anything else at the time
4 hours or more dedicated to sleep
1 good thing just for me (tea, webcomic, TV show, extra long shower etc. )

Weekly

1 hour generally cleaning and all required laundry and dishes
1 hour artistic, creative activity
2 or more phone calls home
2 or more messages or calls to friends I haven't recently spoken to
4 consecutive hours of Sabbath (dedicated to personal and spiritual reflection, untouched by other work)

Monthly

1 house event at the very least (organizing)
1 letter to someone
2 house events at the very least (attending)
2 hours walking through campus

An Update in Brief Without Prior Reflection

2006-10-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

Nuit Blanche

Oh POMO, where would the world be without it? Although I found nuit blanche to be rather artless for a contemporary art thing, I still found it in a way inspiring. I guess it is partly due to the wealth of ideas and creativity oozing from the event, and partly due to the fact that most of those ideas were crappy and I am pretty sure that C.R.A.Y.O.N. would have done a better organizational job. There is also just the idea of staying up all night that appealed to me about this event. Most of you well know that it is a struggle for me to fall asleep most days, and it was nice to feel like staying up all night was a totally healthy and productive thing. But all in all it was sort of lack lustre, nuit beige if you will.

Weather

Today is a beautiful day. It is one of those sunny, but still not hot days that actually makes me enjoy the fall for just a split second. And yet, today's the day they decide to turn the radiators on. I am litterally here in a tank top, window fully open trying to cool off. All week they have been yelling at me with their signs and posters about "Minimizing our evironmental footprint" and my soup is colder than the ambient air tempature in my room.

Autumn

I think the fall sucks. I have always felt this. Metaphorically speaking (or litteraly in my life) the fall is the time for things to die, to be lost. But there are just a few things that salvage the time of year:

-vegetables. Pumpkin Spice Lattes, butternut squash soup.
-textiles. Leather jacket, corduroy pants, amazing fuzzy sweater, argile.

The Waifs

The waifs are an austrailian folk group. Their CD Up all Night is so good that I am too distracted to carry on posting.

Sam

Two Thirds Found or Replaced et La Vie Continue Sans Hesitation

2006-09-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

As it is now approaching the season of thanksgiving- and seeing that it may take a little effort for me to get into the spirit- I am going to give you a list of ... let's say... 5, things that are worth your praise or gratitude.

1. The Cobblestone guys. Now, to begin with I was pretty frustrated with all the random sidewalk maintenance and reconstruction going on around my residence and extending out onto St George street, but the other day I was completely won over by the men who do all the concrete and cobblestone work. It had rained the night before and a puddle collected over a three foot stretch of the path so that students were forced to walked around on the grass on their way to Fung! (my caf) not that anyone of them really notice the difference between trampling the grass and using the sidewalk anyway. Amazingly by 3 or 4 that afternoon the guys who were working in the surrounding area drained the water, leveled the ground under the path and replaced all the stones. They did such a fantastic job that it makes the next stretch of path (which is wobbly and poorly done) look even worse than it did. They were attentive, fast and incredibly efficient. They smile in a polite-non-creepy-construction worker type way when you walk by. The following day when I was leaving my building, I got out the door only to find that my step had been completely removed. One lonely worker was pouring concrete and advised me to go to another door so I didn't accidentally trip or something. When I came back from class no more than two hours later I had a beautiful new step completely finished. Honestly, I think these guys might be here all year constantly trying to improve what they already have done so well, but I don't mind. They rock.

2. Reznikoff's employees. Polite, often flirty, kind and humourous.

3. Dryers. Dryers makes your clothes dry and warm and deliciously clean. After you have put them through for that third time, you open the dryer and get a wave of joy that everything somehow actually managed to dry.

4. Folk Music. Folk music is that kind of sound that is perfect for the mood you are in no matter what mood you are in. It can be depressing (Jim Bryson), uplifting (the Waifs), empowering (Bob Dylan), nostalgic (Cash) or prett much anything else. If only I were into drugs and not showering I could join some folk tour and live the hippy lifestyle, instead of just listening to the soundtrack.

5. My fish ring. Just when I was thinking about how I could possible be anything without my fish ring, it found its way back to me and said 'I am not anything without you either'. The best relationships are with inanimate afterall.

The Art of Losing Absolutely Everything I Touch

2006-09-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

The list for today is:
-My new boyfriend. note: I am not looking to make a big deal of this, it wasn't a big dramatic scene or anything, just a decision that had to be made. So, yes it is sad for me but I am doing okay and not really looking to talk about it.

-My T card. Twelve dollars later I have a new one and my picture doesnt make me look like satan so I think it is a fair trade.

-My wooden fish ring. This was really really difficult and I am very upset about it. But c'est la vie.

I thought that maybe condensing my life into one room would make it easier for me to keep track of the things around me but alas, no dice. It seems the more I try to stay clean and organized the more things I lose or forget about. This is the real reason why university students live like pigs. If everything gets thrown into one pile there is only one place it could possibly be.

Also, I have run out of those little things that make you feel better on bad days (not to mention my creative ability, worst post ever), so let me know if you have any tricks.

Thoughts From a Tired and Hungry Mind

2006-09-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

There is something about the lack-of-structure university class schedual that makes you eat weird things at unatural times of day. It goes beyond the constant caffein consumption (and believe me when I tell you that my caffeteria offers no less than twelve different energy drinks on a daily basis), and the don't-ask-dont-tell rez food attitude (how about meatless meatballs?).

The biggest change for me is the hours. Breakfast stays at its usual whenever I get up time slot and generally consists of a double chocolate muffin and a juice. Don't yell at me for this; it has a hell of a lot more nutrishional value than you would expect in the breakfast of a 95 pound female. I have difficultly with lunch since I am so used to eating it every day at exactly the same time. I like to refer to that part of highschool life as letting the herd out to graze. Generally I try to aim for a noon lunchtime but it never seems to work like that. Instead I just end up eating a salad, sandwhich or soup on the way to something else. Sometimes this ends in diasterous food spilling and embarassing stains. But no matter what I end up drinking Arizona Pommegrante Ice Green Tea. Dinner is dinner and I eat it whenever I can in a given day. Portions are as generous as one would expect from a north american institution and I always have my dinner with chocolate milk.

You would think that my feeding rituals would end there for the day, but if i dont eat anything after that I wake up hungry. Waking hungry is a terrible and sick feeling that ruins the rest of my day, so I find myself getting up in the middle of the night for granola bars, Mr. Noodles or rice. I am not sure how healthy this is for my digestive system, and I generally feel better waking up if I stay up later and have a second dinner at around 1 am. But that cuts down on my sleeping time which is no good.

Besides all of that I continue to develop my sweet tooth. Recently I rediscovered reeses pieces (thank you Aidan). I keep some in a drawer so I don't accidentally kill Ariel.

Sam

Eater of all things free

2006-09-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

I wrote a post complaining about U of T newspapers that I may get around to finishing one day. I gave up on it because I got busy going home for the weekend and because somewhere in the last three days I found something more important to say. It is about people.

In the last days of highschool I felt so much like I was moving. A feeling sort of like the one I get from driving in Mustangs; no matter where I am going, it is somewhere that really matters. I guess I kind of figured that this was the natural time for us all to become adults, suddenly we would all just know how to live.

Then the summer happened with all of its melodrama and heartbreak and I lost that feeling. I replaced with a sense of hopelessness, a sensation of stumbling in the dark and when I got tired of that, I think I just stopped moving altogether.

One way or another (I am not sure how) I managed to make it out of that summer and into University. I survived the first week and than the second and somewhere in the last couple of days I came to realize that the people around me were all in the same boat.

I watched as friends of mine moved away from home to cities they had never been to, as they struggled with illness and boredom and fear, I heard them yell and scream about so many things, friends lost hope and doubted faith, I watched as a friend feared for the lives of the people he loves and I watched his mother cry.

In all of this, somehow I don't feel lost. I don't feel like we are all fucking up, or that somehow the world is less than what it should be. In all of this I have a suprising faith that never ever left me.

To try to explain where this comes from would be impossible and a waste of perfectly good words. So I will just say a little bit about the autumn, which most of you already know is a fundamental metaphor in my life. Generally nostalgia and sadness rule the fall. Death and bad things always seem to happen when the leaves change colour. Just listen to Hawksley Workman sing Autumn's Here and you will understand.

But for some people this weekend is the new year. It feels that way to me. It feels like if I make a resolution right this minute, I may have a chance of keeping it up for the next 356 days.

A dear friend of mine turned 18 today. For her the last year has been hard. For all of us, but I know just how many fences she has had to climb, mostly on her own. In the next twenty minutes she will be 18 and one day and it will start to seem like a new year never began, but it deserves to be said that she is a better person, in my view a stronger and healthier person, than she was this time last fall and I know that she, just like all of us, will be even further along when the calendars fall on this day again.

We are doing badly. We have crappy relationships and bad marks, we don't understand everything and sometimes we lie, we make mistakes unknowingly and knowingly but as I have always said hope is just a light to show you the way, but faith is what keeps you wandering around, even in the dark.

And more important than that, in this new year (even if it isn't a new year for me), every single one of us can look around and know that we are not alone.

Sam

A small note about fall fashions and one of the many reason why everyone does indeed love an asian boy

2006-09-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

I love the fall fashion season. Particularily when it comes to men.

Originally I assumed that living on campus would mean living in a sea of sweatpants, and other such unpleasing articles of clothing but today I discovered the perfect mens outfit for fall at university.

Now I will try to break it down for you as a general example from which you can design your own perfect ensemble but I would like to first give a shout out to my muse; the random asian boy crossing the street to Trinity college (WHORE-sorry frosh habit) from back campus. Now in and of himself he was not strikingly attractive. He was so rediculously well dressed, however, that I nearly asked him if I could take a picture of him with my cell phone. He pulled off the look of all fall looks with an understated flare.

So for those of you itching to know how to look sharp at school or your place of business here it goes. Begin with your favorite non-ripped, darker wash jeans. Next throw on your favorite band t-shirt .

Now put down the Metalica, Rolling Stones, Jimmy Hendrix or Che Guevera shirt. Che was not a musician. Che hates you for owning a shirt with his face on it.

Instead think a little more independantly. Wear one of those great band shirts that doesn't look like a band shirt. Here are a few suggestions:
http://www.maplemusic.com/product.asp?dept%5Fid=43&pf%5Fid=40%2D46&lang=EN

http://www.backstreet-merch.com/bands/artb/product.asp?item=artb05

Then put on a good clean pair of non-flashy sneakers.

Now the piece de resistance, finish with an old school brown blazer-cut leather jacket.

Delicious.

Sam

ps. Women, I tried to find an equivalently fantastic female fall fashion but alas, why are you all out there in sweat suits, croped sweaters and leggings?

The stupidity of boys carries on long after they can be called dumb highschool guys

2006-09-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

To begin with some epiphanies from the streets of toronto, the shelves of Robarts, the tables of fung and floor of my enormous closet.

-> Be careful about living next to a library shaped like a giant peacock. You will have dreams about it coming to life and shooting flaming (over priced) textbooks at you.

-> Fair trade coffee with clever names is not as delicious as it should be. It is clearly over compensating for it's mediocre taste by being morally superior.

->Don't buy coffee from Reznikoff's when you are already late for class across Queen's Park. Yes, you will need the energy boost to jay-walk effectively, but the thousands of tiny burns on your hand and the bizare array of stains on everything you are wearing will only cause others to look at you with pity and shame in their eyes.

-> Spend equal amounts of money on organization supplies as you spend on decorational supplies. This way your room will be just as clean as it is pretty. Or at least it will have the potential to be.

->Every student should be allowed to spend the same amount of money on new shoes as they did on their text books. This way I could purchase these:
http://www.shoes.com/product.asp?p=5029256%7EWomens&sc=WOMENS&variant_id=EC1016264

http://www.shoes.com/product.asp?p=5029783%7EWomens&sc=WOMENS&variant_id=EC1017601

simply for having bought physics concepts and connections.

->Beware the moderately naked guy from frosh week. His bizare exhibtionism may be a deceptive cover for a fantastically strange and wonderful person.

->When a bewildered old lady comes to your first year seminar, usher her to the nearest exist as quickly as possible. This way your actual professor wont get all confused and yell at you because they thought someone stole their class. Also, crazy old women are generally not to be trusted.

-> Attend poster sales, but keep in mind the thematic message you want your walls to give off. The ché style print of einstein saying "VIVA LA RELATIVITY" may be clever, but you may not want to see it above your bed each and every day.

->Be kind to your caf food. It tries so hard to make you feel at home. Although it may often be overcooked, overpriced and underheated, it is made with love and care. Also, don't spend your entire meal plan on jolt soda and rockstars. Being that caffeinated only makes you hungrier and further serves to depleat your resources.

->Go to China town for all your shopping needs but bring a friend. Ducking through crowded sideways, evading the live crabs and interpreting the mutterings of off the wall homeless people is best done in pairs.

-> Select your courses based on how close the bookstore you have to buy your textbook at is to your residence. If you can, pick only courses that are taught by crazy environmentalists who give you only online readings. Also, find a cheap massage place so your back doesn't start a rebellion uprising agaisnt you.

-> Lastly, study the inner workings of ceiling fans prior to moving in. You will save yourself time, energy and prevent looking very very stupid in front of all your guests.

Sam.
Studier of Religions, Fine Art History, Magical Physics, Shocking Art and French.

ps. try to enrol in a french course taught by your highschool teacher's favorite daughter. Possibly.